Head Says Words, People Put Hands Together To Make Noise

With the start of a new academic year comes a fresh bout of prospective pond teabaggers Year 7's and their parents, and, of course, what better to put them off than (no it isn't us) the Head himself. With grand tours of the empire every Tuesday, followed by a talk in the Head, we sent an envoy to do the Hampstead experience. As well as noticing that there was one governor in attendance (every time according to our sources), either for monitoring, or simply making up the numbers, on the day there was a sorrowful turnout of approximately fifteen, perhaps due to the 12% drop in GCSE's Hampstead suffered this summer.

Below are some of the quotes from the Head's rousing speech, and our responses to them (please excuse the general frustration in the tone of some):

The school has a "moral imperative" - Yeah, make sure that 'moral imperative' has nothing to do with  a phone, and never makes it to Glasgow. Is 'moral imperative' the same as a 'duty of care'? In which case it is most definitely 'imperative' that the school reviews their grasp of 'moral's. Indeed, the schools perception of morals is worse than the Food Standards Inspectors perception of Meral's. 

The school supposedly gives students "ability to articulate values" - Unless it's on a satirical blog, in which case you have no rights.

"at Hampstead we know what we are doing" - Are you sure about that? Really?

When talking about results:"in 2015, next year, we know it will be best ever" - You don't know. It wasn't even our best ever this year (far from it), and to achieve it would have to be a 12%+ hike in grades.

"never going to be complacent" - Glasgow, phone call, SLUDGE, you get the gist.

"never being stuck with one single ideology" - But never anarchism. No no no no no, that's one ideology too far. The idea that every government could be possibly corrupt? We'll have none of that here. Alternately, at the moment the Ideology of the Month (for the past 24 months) is Totalitarianism.

"moral purpose in school" - See 'moral imperative'; its basically the same thing.

"very, very safe school" - Unless, of course, you write for a satirical/critical blog (or say anything that isn't in line with the Party's School's rhetoric), in which case watch your back, there's a Szemalikowski on the loose!

"our mold fits the children, not fitting the children to our mold" - Apart from uniform, no, that mold has to be kept to without fault.

"big on discipline" - Again, #Trashgate. You can see the theme.

"free from disruption" - apart from the Head's and the SLT's lerning warks, which, as any student will say, are about as disrupting as someone barging into a lesson unannounced, having a pop at a few students regardless of what's happening, then leaving in the same fashion.

"attendance is high" - £55k worth? There's high and then there's 'not worth it, it's a false economy'.

The school has "no control over admissions" - Then why, in God's name, bother advertise so incessantly and without fail for solid months to prospective parents, running up bills for the school tens of thousands of pounds high?

If you don't get a choice in which students you end up with, why bother try and entice those taken by the posters and the ads in the papers? Surely those funds could be reallocated to benefiting the students you actually get, not the ones you would like to have in your wet dream of Hampstead School's future?