Critiquing the Xmas School Dinner

Having not posted an article for a while, it has been revealed that Heywood Jablome has been doing some culinary learning in France. What better way to put these learned skills (and get the taste of snails and frogs out of your mouth), than to return to the joys of the Year Rooms, and some Caterlink deliciousness.

Caterlink are oft-criticised. But it is this, the most wonderful time of the year, where they come into their own. Where queues aren't just full of people on free-school meals picking up a baguette to sell at a profit, but chock-a-block with everyone who would be usually getting Chicken Wings, or dreaming of £1 kebab meat (rip in piece sweet angel Merals). Today I'll rate the meal everyone loves, even more than Fish and Chip Friday (or Findus Undisclosed Meat Lasagne).

The game was tenderly confied in a stock that resembled that thick reduction reminiscent of the jus that we know and love from our childhood lunches of our Primary years; thick, brown, viscous with hints of thyme, Caterlink own brand rum, and engine oil. The pomme de terre fondants managed to, as they do every year, be both dry on the outside and slimy on the interior; exquisite. There was some lovely Stuffing on the side, whose shape, texture and flavour bared remarkable similarity to Lego. As always the seasonal vegetable accompaniment was sous vide to within an inch of its life, and the garden salad (petits pois) was fantastically moist (like ur m0m). There was also some Cranberry Sauce, perched on a ledge waiting to spill its red contents all over the floor (a striking resemblance to the majority of the queue).

For pudding, a classic in a light-but-somehow-sawdusty biscuit dowsed lovingly in a polystyrene bowl with ice cream with a texture similar to 3 day old slushy yellow snow. Plate dressing was delicate and preserved, as is any with the fine and skilled use of a scoop.

I also asked some of the locals for their thoughts on, what I had thought was their favourite meal, but then I was informed by a rather passionate Slavic man:

"REMOVE TURKEY remove turkey. 

 you are worst caterlink. you are the caterlink idiot you are the caterlink smell. return to camden cuoncil. to our camden cousins you may come our contry. you may live in the zoo….ahahahaha ,slt we will never forgeve you. cetnik rascal F**k but f**k asshole caterlink stink slt sqhipere shqipare..slt trashgate best day of my life. take a bath of dead caterlink..ahahahahahSLT WE WILL GET YOU!! REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES. you will get caught/ kinnan alive in trash, kinnan making article of trash . fast rap kinnan trash. we are rich and have gold now hahahaha ha because of kinnan… you are ppoor stink caterlink… you live in a hovel hahahaha, you live in a yurt

 kinnan alive numbr one #1 in trash….f**k the camden council ,..F**Kk ashol caterlinks no good i spit in the mouth eye of ur flag and contry. kinnan aliv and real strong wizard kill all the caterlink farm aminal with rap magic now we the trsh rule. trash greattst websight"

Moving on from this, I ran away to the comfort of my plastic seat and chess-piece-strewn table to eat. The decor of empty KA bottles and professional leet hax0rs playing CODWOWLOL| in the corner. This decor is possibly the most run down I have seen, and therefore, I love the rustic feel and general hipsteryness of it. I rate the Turkey 6/10, but for atmosphere, I rate it 9/10, so overall it's an 8 from me.

Caught slipping: Twitter celebrity gets in on Festive charitable work