Test Match Specials

After a fruitless winter tour to the other side of the world – South London – the Hampstead cricket team had their first home games of the season against a touring side from Pakistan. The first of the two test matches were played at (Gay)Lord’s, home of the highly influential MCC (Mandem Cricket Club). This ended in a comprehensive loss for Hampstead, as the captain Abdi Root won the toss, but making a mess of it prematurely after hearing the word head called by the opposing captain. The umpire believed Root called for Hampstead to bat, but he clarified in post-match press conferences that he was just calling the opposing captain a battyman. Regardless, Hampstead had to bat, where Abdi Cook, Abdi Root, Abdi Bairstow and Abdi Stokes all disappointed. The touring side did very well, with this attributed to the extra time they had spent getting used to North London conditions, eating plenty of Sam’s and drinking solely KA or Boost in the lead up to the games.

After this, they headed up north, to Redpitch, where there were works ongoing on the new stand between the red pitch and the brawl fighting pitch. Here, Hampstead were much improved, after much press criticism, with ex-captain Abdi Vaughan submitting some mad writings and fruity language in his role as a columnist for famous broadsheet The Sunday ETC, calling for Hampstead star bowler Abdi Broad to be dropped, who in turn responded by taking plenty of wickets in the match. Famed cricket commentator Abdi Boyd-cott said that Hampstead had underperformed by not beating the Pakistani touring side in both games, as many of them were fasting for Ramadan and would therefore be weaker with less energy. When another member of the media suggested this might be racist, he shook his head before walking away muttering about political correctness going mad.

After this, Hampstead play the team from down under-the-river, in some one-day games, because the cricketing public in the school no longer have the attention span for Test cricket after developing addictions to Boost.

DISCLAIMER: Only one Trash writer actually cares about cricket and insisted upon writing this spoof. Apologies from all the rest of us at the Trash for subjecting you to this.