Where Are They Now?

Despite many successful faces adorning the English Block walls of students who have escaped the clutches of Hampstead School to go on to find pastures new, whether that be Uxbridge University or UEA, some students have gone missing from those walls over the years. So, for a select few students who have left Hampstead in the time the Trash has been posting, we ask: where are they now?

Sylvia Ryver-Raine - studied Media, English Lit and Psychology at A-Level, before going on to study Sociology with a minor in Anglo Norse and Celtic Studies at Warwick. After graduation became a policy advisor on the various uses of old crisp packets in the Green Party. Sylvia is now a special advisor for Progress.

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong - studied Classics, Law and Latin at A-Level, before going on to study History of Art at Oriel College, Oxford. He is now working as a parliamentary private secretary for his godfather, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Martyn Reit van Woolley III - studied Media, Film Studies and Interpretive Dance at A-Level. He is currently on his fifth consecutive gap year, after "consciously uncoupling" from the notion of a university education, after failing to gain a place three years in a row. He is currently touring Bali spreading venereal diseases under the guise of charity work ("giving back to the locals").

Preston Mongomery Saddleton - studied Mathematics, Further Mathematics and Physics at A-Level, before going on to study Economics at St Andrews and a further masters from the LSE. Having spent a few years in the Institute for Fiscal Studies, Preston was swept up to become a Tory MP for Penistone and Stocksbridge and was swiftly promoted to the front bench as Minister for the Middle Classes, who are famously underrepresented by the Conservatives.

Marcus Kengtun - retired to his father's ranch in Kampi-Ya-Chumvi, Kenya, to oversee the production of the family company's luxury coffee beans. Often confused with hot mud Kenco coffee, Kengtun hosts many A-list celebrities such as Madonna (when she's not it Malawi), the Sultan of Brunei and Dappy from N Dubz, where they have coffee tastings that are said to "last all night" because "everyones absolutely wired".

Abdulsmith Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithson Van Smyth - studied Egyptology, Advanced Tutting and The Concept of Silence at A-Level, before going on to discover Jesus, change his name to Adam Smith and get a job at the local mechanic's. He now spends his weekends by Kilburn Market shouting prayers and hymns over a loudhailer at a delegation from the local mosque.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, none of the alumnus above are real, although we really wish they were.