Saturday, 9 February 2013


Tory Backbencher Johnathan Wesley-Smith has clashed with Council leader Abdi Abdi over the content and specifications of the 2013 East Cricklewood Community Comprehensive motivational banners. In a heated discussion, Wesley-Smith argued that the banners were 'too emotive' and could lead students to be 'overwhelmingly self-believing'. He branded them 'Overly Liberal', and called for them to read instead: "Thou shalt all fail".

Wesley-Smith later argued that they should also only be made out of the finest Assam Silk, and be tailored by his Great-Uncle's (Lord Blankety-Blank) tapestry firm. Abdi counterclaimed that the banners be constructed with Chicken, Cllr. Abdi himself being heavily indoctrinated by Sam's Chicken. He reasoned: "Whilst these banners' main priority is to motivate students, we feel they should also be a tasty thing to eat in times of extreme hunger.

Wesley-Smith went on to say Abdi's plans showed clear signs of austerity, and that if they were to be made of meat, it should be Venison.

At this point the Liberal, Silvia Ryver-Raine, demanded that spending on these banners were to be cut altogether, as they were not usable for motivation during exams. Abdi proceeded to tell her to 'calm down, dear'.

With Ryver-Raine on a strike against sexism, Wesley-Smith and Cllr. Abdi continued fighting the proposal, at one point arguing whether or not to quote the 10 commandments on the banners, or the 5 pillars of Islam. After several hours of debate, the debacle was ended as Site Staff were closing up for the night.

At The Trash, we find this democracy despicable to no end. We believe that the banners should be made out of a material that best reflects the school. To have your say, go to and vote either for  a) Cheap Polyester  b) Used Condoms or c) The Head's skin.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.