Monday, 27 May 2013

SLT Fanfiction: Stuck!

This is Heywood Jablome's failed fanfiction entry for the blog, as the 1D-based utter s**te was preferred to his more realistic approach. It is shown here, for your displeasure.

*Warning: Contains a lot of boring things! Also might include confiscation of outdoor clothing, so be prepared!*

Hi, I'm Estella, your average 30-something Geography graduate-cum-teacher. It's nearly the end of summer, something I've been waiting for since I accepted this wonderful new job at East Cricklewood. They've given me a job on the Senior Ludo Team! Finally, a decent job with decent pay!

I make my way here on the C11. I hear many shouts of "Fam, she's a piffting", whilst being pointed at, and so whilst I'm a Belgian that was brought up in rural Norfolk, I have no understanding of this slang, but I'm sure they're wishing me the best for my first day on the job.

I get into my office. The name on it says "MARK MAYNE". Someone has stuck a piece of paper over the part that should say Assistant Head, and the paper says "HITMAN". Again, I am unsure of the meaning, but the sign is being taken down to say my name. I cannot wait.

I organise my office. Down come the posters of Che Guevara (which oddly hid a poster of the Spice Girls tour, 1997); up go motivational posters that will really get these children in the learning spirit! I put my lucky bottle cap and put it in my drawer, where I found a strange bottle of Turtle Wax. Heaven knows what that was for.

I meet up with my fellow SLT members. There are some great nicknames there; The Goat, The Whale, Dr Babyface, Mr TOWIE, Gaffer, Louise 2.0 and Bookworm. Then the President Admiral General arrives. It sent shivers down my spine; seeing his suit, colourful tie, sunglasses and his massive megaphone made me really nervous. This was it. My time at Hampstead had started.

After dishing out detentions to the latecomers, I went on a "Learning walk". I think that Hampstead must have a really good Music department, as everywhere I went, as I walked past students, all I heard was whistling. Exploring the different blocks was a real adventure, almost like sightseeing. I saw the famous Water Bottle on the DT Block wall; the painting of the Arsenal squad from their FA Cup triumph in 2005 (I wondered if a new painting would be put up the next time they won a trophy); the pond,complete with a drowning Year 7; and I also noticed a strange smell from behind the Drama Block, but thought nothing more of it.

It came to breaktime. I saw a Year 7 with a hoodie on, and no sign of a Blazer. I saw my opportunity. I pounced.
"Where's your blazer, young man?" I asked.
"In my bag."
"And what is this you're wearing?"
"My hoodie..." I gestured for him to pass it over, and he complied.
"Thank you," I said as I held his hoodie, and he put his blazer on. "What's your name?"
"Philip, Miss..."
"...Miss Artois. Have a nice day, Philip " I walked off back to my office, smiling as I heard his friends calling him to play some sort of game named Patball, yelling for 'Pip' to hurry up.

Today is a good day, I thought to myself...

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