Saturday, 1 June 2013

Agony Aunt: ETC's Upperclass Unanswered Questions

Dear Agony Aunt,
Oh ma god, I wanna be like extra buff for my gap yah next year, but I'm finding hard to limit what I eat, seeing as I’m an independent gluten free food critic blogger, but I don’t want to exercise, because that gets you all sweaty and stuff and its like being a miner or a farmer. I cant go to the gym, because gyms apparently burn little Taiwanese children to power the machines there. So how can I burn the calories in an ethic and moral way agony aunt?"

An easy way to lose weight is to wear the colour blue, studies have shown that this makes you want to stave off eating. The colour blue is a natural appetite suppressant. Many examples of this are things like Pepsi, it is far inferior to Coke because it is branded as blue. Also, this is one reason why the blue smarties were discontinued. Another easy way to lose weight is to hop everywhere, this is because you are supporting twice the normal pressure on the hopping leg and will, therefore, compress the fat in your leg. This can be dangerous as you can lose too much fat from hopping which can lead to mono-limbic stress  as well as a mono-limbic arrest if hopping is done too much. This is the main reason that hopping is not an Olympic sport. 
Dear Agony Aunt,
I accidentally spent all this months petrol money, buying my bffl a 17th century Mongolian ankle bracelet for her birthday (Mary-Anne loved it and said it was worth every drop of blood). Father won’t give me any more money to fund this month’s fuel cost. I don't want to walk or cycle because that gets you all like, sweaty and stuff and is like, hard work. And I don't want to get on public transport because it’s like, public. Could you give me a lift dear Aunt?"

You are wrong. Cycle. It is an easy way to get around and it is not hard work at all. It is free and, best of all, non-polluting. This means that any cycling done will ease your conscience after you mercilessly work a poor person to death for the sake of a iPad. Another thing about cycling is that it is incredibly graceful, especially if you dress up. Choose something quirky to wear. Don’t forget safety and wear a bright helmet so everyone notices you and stifles a laugh at how cool you are. You wouldn't want to hurt that bright and beautiful noggin of yours would you?

Dear Agony Aunt,
My mother, is like, totally not giving me the space I need. I mean, last week, she even called me after school to check what if I wanted a lift home and I think she just likes to intrude into my life and tell me what to do. It’s up to me whether I want a lift home or not and I will tell her what I want, but she doesn't even respect that. I totally couldn't take anymore yesterday, when she offered to make me a cup of tea. she just cant understand that im a free spirit, and a free spirit does not want to be asked how many sugars she wants in her assam herbal tea. Why cant she just stay away from me and do what I f**king tell her to when i tell her, the f**king nosy intrusive b**ch. Can you tell her to p**s off out of my life Auntie?"

Yeah girl! It’s your life! You own it, not her. It’s not like she has your DNA, that’s your DNA! Your mother needs to stay out of your life, at 12 you should be able to make all important life decisions by yourself as you already have these life skills from the arduous life of being in year 8. Life is painstaking when you have to be asked how sweet your holistic tea should be (it is obviously 3 sugars). You aren’t a little child anymore, your emotional monochrome tumblr has shown this, you are a strong independent woman who don’t need no parental advice. (Thanks for taking this stranger’s advice).

Dear Agony Aunt,
omg. like omg. you would never guess what happened last night. omg. just o m g. you know how Camilla told Emily that her sisters boyfriends brother totally ruffled in Zara's skirt at Kendall's sweet sixteenth and a half party last week. Well apparently she meant he ruffled in Margret's pantaloons instead of Zara's skirt, and now there's like a fight between Bethany and Sabrina and I think I'm going to get lynched."

That isn’t a question. This is an Agony Aunt article, you did not ask for any advice. You just stated names and then said that you were to be “lynched” (The use of that word here is probably an exaggeration, you are unlikely to be killed as a result of this). Also, your incessant repetition of “omg” is irritating which results in you being blacklisted. Take this into consideration next time. Thank you.

Please don't hesitate to post some of your issues below, and I will answer them ASAP!

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.


  1. Dear Agony Aunt,
    Whilst reading the annoying 'etc' magazine, i was utterly disgusted by the fact that there was a FANFICTION in there. Can somebody please explain why this was entered into the magazine instead of my friends horse meat article. It is an outrage that this magazine was published. I think that there should be a semi-regular updated blog about the school instead, don't you agree?

    1. Disgruntled ks4 kidMonday, 03 June, 2013

      No becuase youre a scummy ks3 kid.

  2. Replies
    1. if anything youre the one who is being sexist as your associating the people in this article with the male or female gender. nowhere in this article do we hint or associate that the characters are males or females.

      If there is anything you can accuse us of being, is being classist. and I would concede that happily because I FUCKING HATE THE UPPER CLASS WITH PRIDE.