Saturday, 1 March 2014

Iliteracy Levels Reach New High - Hed Pruod

The school has, once again, not spent all those hundreds of thousands of pounds on students, and have been rewarded with sloppy gains from Year 8 History students. A Trash photographer, who goes under the pseudonym Getty Reuters, managed to catch snaps earlier this week of the amazing levels of literacy in our 12-year-olds.

This is not the first time the Trash has published hilariously bad literacy and understanding; back in 2013 we showed the public shots of RS (Rubbish Schooling) work, where the best response to which was: "Please tell me these were year 7's, who don't speak English as their first language!". They were, instead, found in the Year 11 room.

Commenting on the revelation, the Head has said that Hampstead "is pruod of its 63%, 5 year trend of illiteracy, fanks too the Engrish Durpartmunt. I has already make up next year bannerz sayin '63% A* two E'."

The History work was a stunningly accurate portrayal of the Romans, saying: "The Roman army is lhe most import thing because they help Rome have a empire and get good". Other features included "The Roman army was importent because they garded Rome and help Rome have a empire also the formation the did help them win." and a horse simply saying "hhh".

Of course, for this, we cannot lay blame on the teachers; they instead do an amazing job. But, in this instance at least, we can blame society, the parents, the primary school, the student for not reading enough, the Phonics system (I mean, seriously, which pothead came up with that hair-brained arse-fart of an idea?), and the government, who we can thank especially now that Britain is ranked 22nd out of 24 countries for literacy.

The offending poster

A close-up of the 'best bits' - photography by Getty Reuters

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.


  1. Ah bless , at least they bothered to turn up and do the work. How lucky we are to live in a county where you can get a solid career in catering , without a good understanding of English . Don't put kids off for trying .

    1. It's ironic because you don't put spaces in between the word and the punctuation.

    2. That is not ironic ; that is the way I learnt to write in the days of pen on paper , long before computers in schools. You might also find it handy when it comes to writing dissertation's , should any of you get that far .

    3. It is ironic, since it's grammatically incorrect. Regardless of where you're writing, and what you are writing, dissertation or otherwise, punctuation always goes either within the word or immediately after. It always has. For instance, here is a text by Charles Dickens; notice the use of punctuation immediately after a word...

    4. *dissertations

      Now, that's ironic!