Thursday, 29 May 2014

EXCLUSIVE LEAKED Information Booklet for Supply Teachers

Julie LaSange has done it again; once again the school is leaking more than Edward Snowden's favourite faucet.

I don't think I've ever seen more propaganda since Maoist China. I hate to be blunt (no I don't), but even though our Head thinks the sun shines out of his arse and he is god's gift to education, the idealised version of Hampstead in this booklet for Supply Teachers is beyond laughable. You can look through the booklet yourself by clicking the link here, but for the derision, turn your eyes to below:

I'll skip to (I presume) page 6, because it's simply the funniest. It gives a list of pointers on "BEHAVIOUR STRATEGIES" the first of which being on 'class noise' and 'gaining attention'. There were the usual ones about counting down and hitting Year 7's with dictionaries, but the one that made us laugh was "'Please be quiet.... This is not a recording' (repeat constantly - this has a disorientating effect". I don't think the words 'piss' and 'off' have ever been more apt than in this situation, as if a teacher ever said that little semi-pun to me, I would happily (and very loudly) explain to them the finer workings of a recording studio, and how much of the time you have to stay absolutely silent near any sort of equipment. A Year 8 music student knows that much. And the only 'disorientating effect' of repeating that little one-liner would be reeling from that joke and you taking teaching advice from a booklet from the same people that brought you "What is your why?".

Another suggested way of gaining class attention was to "clinking a glass", yeah, because forget Pythagoras, we all want a speech now from the Best Man. Then, Hampstead came up with an acronym to be the header for their next list: "TOOT" (or Talking Out Of Turn). If ever there was a single word that could make student instantly lose any respect for a teacher, asking the student to stop TOOTing would certainly be it. Suggested ways to combat TOOTing included "Tactical pausing", which is I think medical slang for an induced coma, as well as "'Johnny, would you like to share your ideas?'" Firstly, let's be real, the most common boys' name at Hampstead is not Johnny; we don't go to school in a Blyton novel (although some of the posters say otherwise). Call him by his real name: Ahmed. Also, it's unlikely that a supply teacher will have the time or mental capacity to learn Johnny's name for a space of a single hour.

The "Statement of Intent" peaked our interest (not), saying that "At Hampstead everyone will strive to:
-enjoy the challenges and achievements of learning" (i.e learning walks, and then not getting caught with your shirt out)
"-develop individual strengths" (sarcasm)
"-manage setbacks" (e.g any if the following: SLT, learning walks, lack of funding, etc.)
"-develop consideration and co-operation" (but not over student views. No, no, no, that would be too much)
Another hilarity was the fact that every bulletpoint had an indent an inch wide. Obviously someone had only just got their creative iMedia and had but a basic knowledge of the finer workings of Microsoft Publisher.

I move blearily onto (what I assume is) page 4, which is a list of "CLASSROOM STAND OPERATING PROCEDURES" because at Hampstead we don't have enough chairs, and we'd hate to treat people unequally. Tell you what, person who 'wrote' this, have our ARD for your title, and let the candid maths teacher on page 4 sit down. Point 4 of the list states that "seating plans based on Grouping for Learning are compulsory in all lessons." which is certainly the first we, as students, and probably many teachers, will have heard of that. I don't remember compulsory seating plans, let alone them being setted, which is by far the hidden meaning behind 'Grouping for Learning' (such Ingrish Literachur skillz). We know of many classes that do not have seating plans, because some classes aren't made up of five-year-olds, and so don't have the joy of an idiot table.

Point 6 states that "Students are expected to be in lessons within 2 minutes of the lesson starting or deemed late". Firstly, there's a 'will be' missing in that sentence, and secondly that's simply not true. The general rule is five minutes to get to lessons, because Hampstead is actually quite large, and may take more than 2 minutes to get from one end to the other, especially with 1,300 other students doing the same. In fact, late marks only come in at 8:45 for registration, a whole ten minutes after the gate closes, because even the SLT have to acknowledge what a stupid waste of time it is.

Point 10 states that "Students may drink water with the member of staff's consent". Piss off. If I'm going to take a sip of water in class I don't need to inform the nearest adult of my liquid-based intermission from learning, and wait for their go-ahead. They will probably be too busy doing this pastime called teaching to even care.

Under the section entitled "Rules" on (I think) page 5, it simply said:

  • Clear
  • Fair
  • Few
  • Relevant
What? Those aren't rules, they're words. 

There is the usual uniform bollocks on (maybe) Page 7, but one thing that does get me is that is says "The use of 'hoodies' are not permitted" which is just not true. Hoodies are permitted under the Uniform Policy, so long as you are wearing them outside over your blazer (which, again, seems stupid, because then you just can't see the uniform. Rather defeats the point).

Also, another faux pas under 'Electronic Devices', saying that if a "device is seen or heard, it must be confiscated". This is untrue; as per the school rules, as like any good child, the devices must be seen but not heard to be confiscated. Whether or not you have to produce your device if it goes off is down to the discretion of the teacher. Under the 'Student Planner' there were some hilarious suggested uses, that I don't think any student has ever done, apart from on day 1 of Year 7 when it's all tutor periods and nothing to do. Below are some of the suggestions:

  • Keep a diary of each day's events
  • Record their achievements and responsibilities in and out of school
  • Record their commendations
  • Help them plan their time

1 comment:

  1. looool I remember when we found that