Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Case Study: Hampstead School Toilets

Julie LaSange has unearthed this week a Case Study Report on the Hampstead School Toilets, by an independent bog furnisher (the link to which you can find here). We know nothing of the firm that furnished four of our school toilets in 2007, apart from the work they have done (which has been subsequently undone by students) at Hampstead, and that all their offices have wet tissue paper stuck to the walls, and the locks never work.

Apart from providing a mind-numbing example for Year 10 Science Coursework students, the report gives little detail about certain aspects of the build (such as exactly how many different bacteria a surface can harbour at one time); all information that should be known. So, in the wake of these findings, we thought we would conduct our own report, an updated version, if you will:

Hampstead School Toilets Report
circa. 2014
Conducted by: Abdi, Abdi, Abdi, Abdi and Specialist Consultant Abdi (he chats crap)

Boys' WC
Diameter of toilet needed for accurate pee: several metres
Most common areas of urine: Any given surface; sinks can and are usable for defecation.
Exceptional Cases:
  • A toilet was once found to have a poo stretching the entire diameter of the seat, with none making it into the toilet basin. (true story)
  • A cubicle was found to have been urinated in. The toilet was untouched, but the loo roll attached to the side was soaked. (another true story)
  • Someone once flushed after using a lavatory (not true)
Overall Standard: "Piss poor"
Special Consultant Comment: "When it comes to the problem of the cubicle doors, the school has got no handle on them. There have been many crises of Year 7's being stuck down toilets, their release being branded a 'slippery slope'. The only 'flushes' in the toilets are from the Gambling, and when it comes to students' urination in cubicles, they really think outside the box. Pee competitions are commonplace, the only rule being not to cross the streams, laying waste to the sprinklers."

Girls' WC
Adhesiveness of toilet seats: Between that of Pritt-Stick and Araldite
Number of children conceived in the premises: Incalculable
Number of venereal diseases/square metre: More per square metre than there was surface area.
Exceptional Cases:

Overall Standard: "Pile of crap"
Special Consultant Comment: "Risking a healthy excrement in these toilets is seat-of-the-pants stuff. Although it has been said that the site staff have the problem of vandalism on lock; they're all broken. Seriously, they're like saloon doors in there. One surveyor, Abdi, decided to check the contents of one of the small bins beside the toilets. He fainted, and awoke in a pile of his own vomit, his face stuck to the floor due to UHU-level adhesiveness."

Toilet humour aside, toilets are a genuine problem that were 'tackled' by the School Council a few years back (as much as the bins were an 'achievement'). However, naturally, they have fallen into disgusting circumstances. Even though we jest in this article about the toilets, a lot of what we have said is true, and to all those who complain about the state of our toilets, if you want better standard washrooms, then stop treating them like crap.

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