Sunday, 24 August 2014

Agony Aunt/Uncle/Other Gender

As ETC II came out (to such little fanfare we didn't notice until just recently) in June, we again read the Agony Aunt article and again deemed them to be nothing like the real questions would be like from real Hampstead students. For the article almost exactly like this one written previously by SLUDGE and Dale E. Male, click here. Since we doubt there are a 'Stressed out Soldier' and 'the Soul of Curiosity' at Hampstead, we decided to ask some more relevant questions to our resident Agony Aunt and ex-Daily Mail editor, Aunty Immi Gration:

Q: I'm coming into Year 10 and this will be the 12th time I've been knocked up now. Shall I just give up and have the kid? 
A: Erm, ok, wow. Is it like a revolving door down th... Don't print that. My advice would be no, because imagine how much you hate a Year 7. That is what having a baby is like. Don't do it, and from now on take the pill (not E, the contraceptive); or learn to cross your legs because as The Good Lord, The Flying Spaghetti Monster said in Abdi 69: "Sex before marriage is haram and makes you a slag innit".

Q: I've been selling cookies for a year now, and I think I have some addicted Year 7s now. What do I do?
A: Ok, this is a tricky one, because on the one hand if the Year 7s overdose on Choc Chip then you lose a customer, but you also need to get the money to spend on Creps and Snapbacks and ting. I recommend limiting their cookie consumption, but even if they do OD, it's only one more dead Year 7 to chuck into the pond. 

Q: I was arrested by the thought police because I thought a 'blazer' was something you bunned spliff in. How can I convince them it was an honest mistake?
A: Its an easy mistake to make, and one that any Norf Weezian could make. Explain that you didn't mean to sully their uniform, and would, in future, catch all the smoke in your snapback.

Q: I owe big money to the Doughnut Sharks, like a few hundred quid, and I have no way to pay them off. What do I do?
A: Run. Run and hide. Or, you could try paying them off. You could start selling your own stuff (crack cocaine, sea monkeys, bibles) and giving them the money. Have you ever heard of a Ponzi Scheme?

Q: I'm enchanted with anarchist ideologies, and fear that every government is inherently corrupt. What should I do?
A: Stop these mad writings at once! The best thing you can do is 1) quell your beliefs that are offensive to my place in public office, 2) report yourself to your prospective university, & 3) stay out of the media.

Q: I'm a Headteacher of a large comprehensive, who has had a lot of hassle over the past year because of some opinionated students voicing their views of my changes and decisions. How do I get them to stop?
A: Don't be a dick.

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