Tuesday, 30 September 2014

This Blows

BREAKING NEWS: The Trash has heard that there as been an explosion in downtown Bagquad, in East Quad.

Many rumours have surfaced about the explosion earlier yesterday, some saying it was a West Quad republican, others have said it was in consequence of the Council voting to try and stem the recent occupation of East Quad land by extremist group Dontmakeit Bate. According to student sources, however, it did not do much else than produce smoke and the sulfurous smell not unlike one we know so well, the school swimming pool.

A frequently mentioned figure amidst the smoke is none other than radical Guled Fawkes. Rumoured to be a member of the ever elusive Zaloominati, Fawkes has been mentioned in relation to this incident with a varying series of motives and opportunities.

We spoke to a protégé of Fawkes, who wished only to go by his Twitter handle, @boomting_69, to "diversify [his] followers, yo". According to boomting_69, Fawkes "had no plan to blow up the Houses of Parliament pond, liberating the fish from their wet and slippery shackles and allowing them to walk on land like everyone else". He then reaffirmed that Fawkes definitely did not buy a cookie from the last cookie vendor.

Another popular theory, aside from Fawkes' action, is that this was an intended prevention of said actions, following the first SLT airstrikes, which replace their predecessor, the classic university phone call strategy, to curb radicalism, and all those who claim any authority runs the risk of corruption. It is theorised that this explosion was a botched attempt to take out kingpins within the Zaloominati, such as Fawkes. An SLT press release (onto a bus stop advert), could neither confirm nor deny any participation.

Whether the very perpetrator or the intended victim, Guled Fawkes walks a free man, without any additional points added to his SIMS profile, and still possessing freedom of movement during his break time.

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