Friday, 18 December 2015

Jingle Balls - The Hampstead Trash Christmas Special 2015 Part II

Continuing in this year's festivities, the editorial team have surpassed themselves in dragging out a bunch of Hampstead Christmas ideas, the result of a great deal of coffee and fairly strong opiates, into two whole articles (again). That said, we wouldn't do it if they weren't all entirely readable and, we would hope, lightly humourous. So, despite today's Christmas Assembly breaking from the tradition of a drawn-out politically correct nativity story and that poem (although the Head's story about Santa crashing into the New Building crane after falling from the International Space station was as brilliant as usual), fair readers delight yourselves with another amateur dramatic Panto from the Drama Durpartmunt, and (what would be) a frankly brilliant fictitious Hampstead School Christmas Fayre:

Hampstead Drama Durpartmunt presents... 
Christmas Panto II - Sznow White and the Seven SLT
Once upon a time there lived a lovely prince/princess (we're breaking down gender barriers all over the place) with fair skin and blue eyes (just what Hitler would have wanted) called Sznow White. Her mother died when he was a baby and her father married again. This queen was very pretty but she was also vain and cruel (sound like anyone?) and wanted to be the most beautiful lady in Hampstead. She would often ask her magic mirror, “Mirror! Mirror on the wall! Who is the fairest of them all?” And the magic mirror would say, “You are, Your Majesty!” But one day, the mirror replied, “Sznow White is the fairest of them all!” In anger, she ordered her huntsman to take Sznow White to the forest Ecology Area and kill her. “I want you to bring back her heart,” she ordered. But when the huntsman reached the bikeshed with Sznow White, he took pity on her and set her free. He killed a deer instead (called Bambi or something...) and took its heart to the wicked queen and told her that he had killed Sznow White.

When it was daylight, Sznow White came to a tiny 'house' and went inside. There was nobody there, but she found seven plates on the table and seven tiny beds in the bedroom. She cooked a wonderful meal and cleaned the house (because that's all women are good for - see The Daily Star) and tired, finally slept on one of the tiny beds. At night, seven dwarfs - Grumpy, Doc (Brookman), Newbie, Orange, Dopey, Overly-happy and Sleepy - returned and found Sznow White. When she woke up and told them her story, the seven dwarfs asked if they could be her live-in minions. The dwarfs loved her and revered her. Every morning, when they went off to work, they instructed her never to open the door to strangers, especially strange boys who write mean words on the internet.

Meanwhile, in the palace, the wicked queen asked, “Mirror! Mirror on the Who is the fairest of them all?" The mirror replied, "White is the fairest of them all! She lives with the seven dwarfs in the woods!” because the mirror turns out to be a massive snake. The wicked queen was furious, and so made a poisonous potion called 'Boost' and dipped a shiny red apple into it. Then she disguised herself as an old peasant and went to Sznow White with the apple. She knocked on the house door and said “Pretty little child! Let me in! Look what I have for you!” White said, “I am so sorry, old lady, I cannot let you in! The seven dwarfs have told me not to talk to strangers!” But then, Sznow White saw the shiny red apple, and, being a simple girl easily enticed with superficial aesthetic beauty indoctrinated by a Capitalist society, opened the door. The queen offered her the apple and, when she took a bite, poor Sznow White fell into a deep sleep. The wicked queen went back to the palace and asked the mirror, “Mirror! Mirror on the wall! Who is the fairest of them all?” The mirror replied, “You are, Your Majesty!”

When the seven dwarfs came home to find Sznow White lying on the floor, they were very upset. They cried all night and then built a glass coffin for Snow White but, due to cutbacks in the education sector, they could only afford perspex. They kept the coffin in front of the house, because the morbid sods were too thick to bury her. One day, Prince Narcissism was going past the house when he saw Snow White lying in the coffin. He said to the dwarfs, “My! My! She is so beautiful! I would like to kiss her, because I a letchy necrophiliac!” And he did. Immediately, Sznow White opened her eyes. The Prince and the seven dwarfs were very happy. As the rules of fairy tales dictate, the two married and lived happily ever after, or at least until someone got drunk at the Christmas ball and accidentally got a handjob off someone else's stepmother in the toilets.

That Hampstead Christmas Multi-Faith Winter Festivities Fayre in full:
Enjoy CaterLink's entirely Halal pulled pork and Roast Turkey* (*May include pigeon and/or horse) stall, cooked freshly last week.
Mulled (non-haram) Wine available, seasoned with hotspices
Come and meet Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye! Have a cuddle with your favourite reformed 70's TV presenter-cum-mammal
Farmers' Market Freshly Baked Year 12's
Christmas Confectionary - selling Candy Canes (so teachers can add that sweet touch to their disciplining) and Christmas 'Yellow' Cake (made with real Uranium!)
Cold this winter? Visit our '2nd Hand' Stall to get your hands on some recycled asbestos from the old New Block!

That's all from us in 2015. We'll be back with the new term. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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