Thursday, 3 March 2016

Arson Seat

Students were today informed in an email from the Head about some unnamed 'arson' that had taken place in the Boys' Toilets near the Maths Office in recent days. The report said that 'flammable' materials were set alight, although what those material were it did not say.

Presumably, such 'flammable' materials, being a toilet, are limited to paper towels and, er, other intentionally flammable materials. Since the fire alarms haven't gone off in the past week, we can surmise that either the fire alarm system in the New Block is woefully insensitive, or the 'arson' was not enough to even set of a fire alarm. So, for the Head to call such an act 'unprecedented' might be a bit of hyperbole on his account, especially since in recent months the school has seen someone set a bin alight, and in recent years a multitude of fireworks have been let off in various places about the campus, which are far more dangerous than a ring of fire (and not the type of one from last night's madras). We can only assume that today's report was the tipping point of a series of mixtape-based crimes, taken more seriously by a Health-and-Safety mad school management, now there is a private contractor on site. Less 'unprecedented', more precedented.

The so-called 'arson' may explain why there has been an increase of police presence in the school this week, although the Trash is unsure how stopping people to reportedly tell them to put the right pair of shoes on and put on their blazer are aiding in their investigation. Can police officers be prosecuted for wasting their own time?

The Head went on to assure that students would be equally as 'horrified' as he was, which again may have been a statement, the mood amongst attendees today being a mild discontent at the smell of smoky barbecue meatloaf in the languages corridor. What may have been understated was the extent of the occurrence; unconfirmed reports have suggested that the fire did not originate in the Maths Office lavs at all, or a fire was found in both those and the ones by the Staff Room. Regardless of the facts, we can confirm that the new theme tune for the Hampstead School WCs to be played over the tannoy will be 'Thinking of Poo' by Earth, Wind & Fire.

DISCLAIMER: All the facts reported in this article are true, however, any analysis of such facts is purely speculative. And no, it won't be the theme tune, but it should be.

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