Friday, 10 June 2016

Op-Ed #14

Hillary Cards writes:

Folks, this week marks a great change in the political landscape of the Hampstead elections (and the actual Hampstead landscape, what with recent building work, but there’s absolutely no chance that the political landscape could be so easily blighted by a large brightly-coloured square no one wants to see). This week I, Hillary Cards, was made by you, the people, and a bunch of unelected ‘delegates’ from the Party was made the first female presumptive nominee for Leader of the Unfree School, Councillor in Chief. What a great step forward for women on the path to equality.

Some have said, though, that it’s a shame that of all the eligible females in this great school of ours, it couldn’t be someone less despised. First of all, I’d like to say that I don’t care, because soon I will be the overlord of all of you (actually, make sure my Press Secretary takes that out; I don’t want to sound too ‘establishment’) and secondly, only a person like me could ever make it through this perspex-and-asbestos ceiling.

Also, I would consider myself quite cool, and quite funny (and so modest). You could even say I’m Hillary-ous!

There’s been a lot of talk recently about some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. There have been many rumours circulated about my bae, Bill Cards, who allegedly ruined another student’s blazer behind the bikesheds twenty years ago. All the time I stood by him. Also, people have questioned why I left the details of over four-hundred students on my personal server. Since the previous incumbent before our current Councillor in Chief went to war by accident, these ‘oops’ moments should be considered far less important.

Also, I’m not orange, folks.

DISCLAIMER: Hillary Cards is not a real character, and neither are her opinions. There are, however, some real characters in the US Presidential Race, not least the block of Red Leicester masquerading as a nominee.

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