Thursday, 13 October 2016

Tearful Head's Public Breakup With Old School Building

In a series of assemblies throughout the week, Headteacher Jacqyeezzybreezy Szmeloncolee has, with the eloquence and grace of an old brass door knob, ventured into the murky waters of 'history' and 'culture', (repeatedly) delivering a lively and animated review of the architectural history of Hampstead School.

Unfazed by the deadpan stares of his various audiences, the Head, pausing only to wipe the tears of nostalgia from his eyes, has consistently pressed on, his extensive reliance on photographs of things that students see pretty much every day only usually becoming apparent after the 13th crop shot of the "delightful angled slope of brick steps" normal people students call the Pyramid Stairs.

In a largely successful attempt to "lubricate the wheels of logic", Szmeloncolee cited a record-breaking 976 separate sources, the most notable among them a rain-soaked rag of newspaper, reportedly extracted from an English classroom. According to calculations by the newly-christened Department for Faked Statistics and Outright Fabrications (formerly Department of Mathematics and Imagination), during the chicken shop zeitgeist of 2011, Hampstead Students consumed 16.9 tons of Sam's "product", roughly 1200% more than originally predicted by SLT analysts in the 1967 "Summer Of Doves".

After twenty minutes of illusory speaking, the Head's quickly mumbled footnotes typically mentioned the refurbishment and subsequent repurposing of the Science Block as "general purpose classrooms", in addition to various expected disruptions as a result of said refurbishment, not that there has been enough disruption recently, the calming sonic ambiance of industrial construction machinery apparently unnoticed by the Head. The Head's seminal Little Rzed Bzook becomes especially relevant here, in particular his ingenious expression of Jung's duality of man; "I can display empathy, but not yet". Jacqyyyy Szemlorockbeach, a man of few words.

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