Tuesday, 13 December 2016

PSA on The Shrinking Jellies by Hansel and Gretel

Once upon a time in a land once called 'Kilburn', there lived a family that due to the great recession and poor social mobility, were very poor. There were seventeen of the youts in total, and at the head of this family was a strong father - a questionable retailer woodcutter named Abdi Abds, for these were the dark days of absolute patriarchy. He was a strong lad, muscles bulging on top of muscles, and a thick, shiny sheen that made you want to put your head between both his pecs and just... just go at them. I'm talking some serious PG-13 stuff here (No homo though  - Ed). Anyway, as this family was large and their bank accounts small, they soon came to a problem - they couldn't afford to sustain themselves for long. And so it was decided that when the clock strikes 12am, they'd send off two of their children: Handsy and Pretzel. And so the pair were let out in the doldrums of London, with all but the clothes on their back and a knapsack containing 65p in assorted coins.

Before we continue, I should note that Handsy was the more challenged of the two. Before his parents violated several laws by literally leaving them to die, he attended the old village academy, Hampstodius Schoolior, a testament to his inferior intellect. And so it was up to Pretzel to negotiate with a stray student a deal that would allow them a mysterious pot of jelly in exchange for that 65p. It was also Pretzel's idea to break it into droplets to drop behind them as they ventured further into Kilburn. After a few days of serious jogging (and yes back then the jelly was big enough for there to be enough droplets to allow them to go so far in), they came across a house made of the most exquisite Caterlink baguette you've ever set your eyes upon. The roof was a stale baguette with slithers of cheese snaking down the gutter to splash in a puddle of water the soggy tomatoes have made. The siblings jumped for joy and ran to the house and started taking massive bites. Tomato was slurped up in a satisfied gulp, lettuce was wrapped around them before being eaten as some sort of edible cloak, even the cheese was packed into balls and thrown into each other's mouths. Notable historian, Stormzy, who was passing by at this time would later write of the experience, "They were eating that stuff mad ting bruv, anyone who differs can shutup".

After the pair had eaten their fill, they took refuge inside the now dilapidated house. Handsy lay down on a bed of lettuce and bread crumbs and Pretzel next to the large open furnace that had no door and no safety locks so if, let's say, a witch or something were to be trapped inside they would be unable to climb out. Whilst they were fast asleep, a man entered the house, shocked to see it was half eaten. Furious at this surprise, he threw the still sleeping Pretzel into the furnace. The smell of burning flesh filled the air, and to any other person it was potent enough to arouse wakefulness, but Handsy's sense of smell had been destroyed at an early age when his nose had been lost in an unfortunate brown nosing accident. The man picke up the boy, but the boy being strong like his brother he was able to overpower the man and run out the house. He ran for ages, trying to find the droplets of jelly scattered on the floor, however, he couldn't see a single one. Scanning the area for what seemed like ages, he realised that the jelly must have shrunk to such a degree that they were now on the subatomic level. And so, unable to find his way home, the man found him in due time and picked him up and ate him.

The end.


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