Tuesday, 2 May 2017

French with a Big F and french with a Little f Actually the Same Language

It's the time of year when Hampstead's Year 11 French cohort discovers the shocking truth about French and french. What's that like? We went to find out.

One teacher, who asked not to be named Ms. Jackie "Dur" Ida, said: "Well it was only a matter of time. You can only go through every single word in French so many times before realising that they're the same as the ones in french, at which point it's just a matter of connecting the dots. Pretty funny how [fruity language] long it took them, eh?"

If you say so, Ms. Ida.

In a survey, 89% of Year 11 French students said they "weren't so sure what to think anymore", and a further 93% said that they'd have to "sit down after that one". Abdina, Year 11 Representative on the School Council and one of the 7%, reportedly rushed out of class and straight to one of the three computers in the school, to "amend selections from the School Council's vast body of legislative works to reflect these urgent developments in linguistics". Nobody's sure which one of the computers she went to, and she hasn't been seen since, so Abdina, if you're reading this, let someone know where you are.

Jean-Louis Le Breeze de Snapback, who previously confirmed he only bothered turning up to class to "taunt the others with [his] vastly superior knowledge and understanding of French", said: "it's pretty obvious". When asked if he had known the shocking truth about French and french prior to today's lesson he said "yes, by which I mean no, by which I mean not really", before stating "it's the thought that counts".

Headteacher Jacques Szmelalalalala said: "See people always ask, you know what it's like, does any of this stuff have any use in the real world? And I say 'Of course it does!' With French and french, just think about the next time you're in a chicken shop and you're not sure what to get. No more worrying about whether to get the French fries or the french fries!"

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof. The French/french distinction is covered by most in primary school. 

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