Thursday, 6 July 2017

65% of Sixth Formers Have "Gone to the Shop"

In a renewed drive to "get hip with the kids", the SLT have made a series of bold forays into the worlds of Snapchat and Instagram, seeking to "discover and connect with the real Hampstead".  

With the help of Snapchat's new mass surveillance tool "Snap Maps" feature, the SLT have been able to quantify, in precise terms, the number of Sixth Formers who enjoy the smooth and refreshing taste of Malbikeshed, originally named for the long running Hampstead tradition of lighting one up behind the bikesheds. 

According to official figures, at any given point in the school day, at least 65% of Sixth Formers will have "gone to the shop", a popular euphemism for a smoke break, their wildly inaccurate bitmojis showing the same paths to bum a lighter off someone before heading to one of two widely-used smoke spots.

In light of the SLT's new findings, some have called for the Head to "capitalize fantastic business opportunity", with cigarette vending machines, Hampstead brand lighters and corporate sports team sponsorship deals expected to generate huge profits if introduced. 

Others have argued against the publication of the figures, claiming "anyone too thick to realize how many people smoke doesn't deserve to know."

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof. 

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