The Head of Hampstead School has been accused by a renowned (by all the boys in Year 9 and above) pornstar Stormy Daniels of having a two-hour romp with him one night back in 2006, when he had been in the job less than a year.
Stormy Daniels, who has since been branded 'The Beast from the East', and who bares no relation to either Paul Daniels or Stormzy, told The Trash that in the private encounter, the Head "took me into his office and made me dress up using uniform from lost property.
"He then asked me to do a series of different things that excited his various fetishes. He asked me to 'talk fruity to him', made me refer to him as a 'naughty Zaloom' and forced me to draw an anarchist symbol on his chest in board marker."
After the Head denied the accusations, saying "It couldn't have been me; I don't last that long," while Daniels did agree that "break time is not the only unsatisfyingly short thing at Hampstead", she nonetheless affirmed that she could "accurately describe the size, shape and gerth of his massive ego."
She added that whilst there she gained privileged access to secret plans in his office for a Rights' Respecting porn website, which specialised in BDSM erotica designed not to violate or degrade, something which he apparently intended her to star in.
Ms Daniels, whose real name is Windy Johnsons, says she signed an agreement to keep quiet about her claims in exchange for £6,900 in October 2016, days before the Head ran for president of the Association of School and College Leaders.
Responding to the furore, Cllr. Abdi said that "it is no surprise he made her dress as a student; he's been screwing students over for years."
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously, obviously a spoof. And if it wasn't obviously enough a spoof, then look at the date.
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DON'T GET OVERLY GASSED.