A Critique of the East Block

Now the new Hampstead School "super block" has been officially opened by ex-Kumquat and alleged glue-sniffer Damian 'Ed Sec' Hinds, in true Trash style, we're going to ridicule it to show you the cesspool that it is.

With so much hideously wrong and deserving of ridicule, just where do you begin? The school promised - I paraphrase, of course - that the new building would be a state-of-the-art monument to "good" schools everywhere, with high-end (i.e. functioning) equipment. On almost every level except the imaginary, this projection is proving false. (What a surprise... -Ed.)

Take the toilets, for instance. Those places for students to have a bit of privacy, to re-apply makeup, play 'money-up', have a w**k , trade vintage motivational banners, comment on each others body parts — the list goes on. However, it has become apparent that this is impossible. For a start, there is no main door. Any passerby can see straight down the row of sinks to the end of the antechamber where a large window, non-frosted, sits for all to see through. Thankfully, one cannot see into the cubicles. However, just from this description, a multitude of issues have arisen. Firstly, privacy: I know the school is run like a madhouse but taking away the closed area that are toilets is going a bit far, even by their standards. The Stazi-esque searching of students in the school yard is tolerable, but not whilst trying to squeeze one out between periods. Secondly, a lack of mirrors removes the ability for students to address their personal needs, such as the upkeep of their wavey garms and on-fleek hair. It should also be mentioned that at break and lunch students in Years 7-11 are banned from being on the upper two floors as well as the ex-science, now maths, 'South block'. This means that during break and lunch 6 cubicles for boys and girls respectively are shared between 1120 pupils plus a large number of sixth formers.

Exhibit A - cubicles and sink on right-hand side.
Only half-people are allowed to use these.

The Hall. That room you see once a week for a drab assembly about nothing relevant whatsoever and even if it is, it's watered down to the comprehension levels of a two-year-old. It would seem that this room is sponsored by TfL with seats that, let's face it, look and feel like a bus stop bench. Whilst the school may have a responsibility to promote healthy eating, slimming down the seats to force you to fit in them doesn't seem like the best way. In addition to the lack of suitable seating, there seems to be a distinct lack of a stage. A lone piano sits in the corner, and the Head's Podium of Triumph stands at the foot of the staggered seating. It has to be said that it looks ever so slightly ridiculous when you sit at the top and look down upon a member of the Sexual Liasons Team standing awkwardly at the bottom of the room (see below). It must also be added that the once infamous Ecology Area is no more. To the right of the hall is a pathway, where students once expressed their s****y hippie tendencies.

Exhibit B: The New Hall

Rapidly moving on again (we have a lot to cover, unfortunately) to the canteen - or as the school have decided to call it: the Restaurant. Since the abolition of Year Rooms, the entire school of ~1300 students now eats in one, single room in the same 40 minute period. To say it is chaos is an understatement. Red Army prefects - although not pictured - are often seen herding lower years into queues for what is supposed to be a faster payment system: it isn't. The canteen system as will be discussed soon, is a shambles. In addition to being a messy dining hall, the canteen is currently doubled up as two separate classrooms as well as a temporary common room for sixth formers. Having sunk £50k into it recently with the canteen remaining just as pisspoor (see Trash passim), the school seems to be saddled with this planning and design mistake for the foreseeable future.

Exhibit C: Restaurant My Arse
(Disclaimer: This is the canteen prior to its refurbishment but is more or less accurate of the current look)

As a carry on from the canteen, the one thing that cannot go unmentioned is the one-way system. The school has had problems with one-way systems previously, when they tried to implement one in the old New Block's languages corridor. Two of the canteen’s four entrances points are not-for-use during break and lunchtime (a set of back-doors and one of three staircases). A one-way system is in place for the remaining two doors, with a single entrance and exit each. General use staircases also adhere to a one-way system. Two "up" routes are available, and one "down" staircase with it, whilst being policed (for the most part) by SLT or other teachers who are, as you can imagine, thrilled with their lunch hour. It can be understood why the school would want to try and control traffic but honestly the system is a pain, with routes being constantly changed. In particular, for those students who have a packed lunch, their entrance is changed by the day. One day they are allowed through the 'exit' doors, the next they must queue with everyone else to enter the canteen. The inefficiency of the school to formulate a coherent lunchtime strategy is a travesty.

Help get the Y7 packed lunch student into the canteen.

For the most part, the new classrooms seem "pretty decent". The new building's classrooms appear much more functional than the asbestos-ridden concrete wonder that students used to have to contend with. Decked out with new 'Clevertouch Plus' boards worth around £5,795 each, students can now draw on the screen which they totally couldn't do before. However, the classrooms seem to be logically numbered and are actually quite spacious. As ever, there is a downside and that is that the new boards' heights cannot be altered. So if you're a 5ft Year 9 student who has to sit at the back, tough luck.

Exhibit D: This could be anywhere it is so non-descript.
There are prisons with more colour than this.

The Music department by some magic has actually been improved. Notably, there are a distinct lack of used condoms lying on the floor of the practice rooms. Whilst the PE Department has been given its own separate block at the back of the school (for academic excellence? -Ed) where the house once stood (RIP in piece House 2K16), the space of the halls seems largely the same as before, suggesting the need to build a whole different block came about only because of the constraints on space in the new block that arise when you try and sandwich a building between two other buildings.

In short, whilst there may be some superficial improvements that have come with the new block, and cost-benefit analysis of the build would look at the millions of pounds spent on it and the changes and start to wonder if the money could have been put to better use.