Return of the Hedi

‘Sup wanktains, what’s good.

The Trash is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)

You all thought we were dead - well we are. But something was sent our way by your mum that was just too good to ignore, so we’ve gone full ‪Michael Jackson in Thriller (although just like most of the jokes in this article, we probably shouldn’t make that one anymore).

A recent edition of the Camden New Journal came out with a headline that stated that a “Headteacher who excluded hundreds of pupils defends ‘robust response to transgressions’”. No points for guessing which authoritarian Head was the focus of the article...

Yes, the piece revealed that Mr. Szhapeofyoukowski (for it is he) had defended the fact that “the school approved 815 […] temporary exclusions over five years” from the academic year 2012-13 to 2016-17. This puts Hampstead above any other school in the borough for exclusions.

Mr. Szhakeitoffkowski defended such a staggering statistic by claiming that “transgressions” would not be tolerated at Hampstead School, and would lead to a “robust response”, obviously having recently read Running a 1940s Boarding School for Dummies. Next, he’ll be lobbying for the reintroduction of the cane, a ruler across the knuckles and other strategies for conformity (although you could cane me at any time, daddy).

And, guess which infamous anarchist gets a mention? Sadly not by name this time, but that’s also probably a good thing, as we all need jobs and Google not to grass on us. The Head’s past with the Trash still a persistent thorn in his side demonstrating the resolve of a man blinded by his own self-worth. But we do get one of our favourite phrases thrown up too – ‘mad writings’ – sadly without its natural bedfellow ‘fruity language’.

Seeing as we’re bringing back all the old hits, let’s tick all the boxes in Trash Bingo. Mr Szlapmybitchupkowski says the level of exclusions is below the normal level for a school with “comparable levels of deprivation”, according to the CNJ. What that means for Hampstead students, we don’t have a clue. But these statistic about Hampstead in particular speak to several things wrong with the education system in general.

Firstly, the moronic boomer mindset of “kids have it easy these days, it was harder in mine!!!” This starts with exclusions at the drop of a hat and moaning about millennials eating avocado on toast, and ends in people wanting to bring back the cane and the gallows; any means by which order can be restored (History students should know who coined that line). As we’ve said a ludicrous amount of times, school should be a place primarily of learning, of exploration and discovery, not a place where the primary objective is to churn out mediocre, anodyne adults. If you enforce an environment where any creativity and contrarian behaviour is reprimanded (see Trash passim ad nauseum ad infinitum), any flourishing will be quashed with it.

Secondly, the jury’s out on whether temporary exclusions actually do any good. Whilst they may remove any problem children from the school environment, it does nothing to help the student themselves, and only kicks the problem down the road. In fact, a report by the House of Commons Education Committee suggests in no uncertain terms the opposite of the Head’s view: “Schools should not rush to exclude pupils: schools should be inclusive.”

“The evidence we have seen suggests that the rise in so called ‘zero-tolerance’ behaviour policies is creating school environments where pupils are punished and ultimately excluded for incidents that could and should be managed within the mainstream school environment.”

By far the starkest indictment of the report is this line, that “too many pupils are failed by the system and they are not receiving the education that they deserve.” It is something oft-said but seldom acted upon by the Head, that the school has a duty of care to every student, not just the ones behaving; after all, “every minute is a learning minute”. Taking them out of school absolves the school of that responsibility, but does nothing to resolve the underlying issues of why they misbehave.

Whilst the above report comes from a cross-party committee of MPs, there is little doubt that the lack of funding in the Education system plays a key factor. We’ve banged on about this forever, through four Tory Education Secretaries now, and it just seems to be the same s**t, different arsehole. Privatisation via the back door – in the case of schools the academisation of as much as possible. Or, as Hampstead did, avoid becoming a de jure academy by becoming a de facto academy – an academy in practice, and in virtually all but name. And this exclusion and expulsion policy is straight out of the academy playbook as a way of dealing with a problem without having to pay to fix it.

Also, I know we must have said this tonnes of times, but there’s literally nothing wrong with being an anarchist (apart from it being ideologically incorrect – the correct ideology, of course, being Posadism). This was in the days before Prevent, with its ridiculous definition of what extremism is, was ramped up too – I hope the Head has been as quick to call up the police about potential Islamists or Neo Nazis.

PS Keen-eyed readers will notice that the period of high exclusions coincides with the heyday of the Trash. We leave it to readers to decide what prompted what.