Sunday, 10 February 2013

Leader Comment: New School Magazine ETC

At the end of the autumn term, this publication was shocked at the announcement of the establishment of the Hampstead School Magazine. We here at The Hampstead Trash took to the construction of this journal with honour and pride, knowing we are to serve our school through our artistic and creative writing. To hear that the institution, we so much love and serve, throw back the tireless hours we have spent on making our school stronger for the present and future, are investing in a shoddy school produced publication is a travesty of justice. We, who blindingly work day in day out, feel that this announcement may result in the demise of The Hampstead Trash and civilization as we know it.

The Hampstead School Magazine (Work of Crap or W.C. as we call it as it hasn’t been baptised yet under the rule of our lord the flying spaghetti monster) has placed a known invalid as its Editor of Sport. If the W.C. had taken the right steps in its “rigorous application and interview process”, it would have realised that said idiot is not even a human, merely a suspiciously human looking llama. What, The Hampstead Trash asks, would a stinking rotting llama from the plains of South America know about any sport? Except the sport of eating your own feces, which he has won three golden Cuban Olympic medals for. This is the exact thing one would expect from the school, employing foreign immigrant animals instead of a hardworking native due to its unwavering need to be politically correct.

Now that we have looked at the shocking employees of W.C, we take a glance at what the W.C. will publish. We have infiltrated the inner workings of the publication with our very own private investigator, Inspector Gadget, posing as a typographer. Gadget has worked relentlessly to gather the following information that will shock the student and staff population. He recites the information to me immediately after his brave escape from the Llama-man: “As the typographer for the publication, I was given the unforgivable task of intertwining a racist anti-banana subliminal message in the font of the publication. The meaning of this is to slowly persuade readers into thinking that bananas are evil, thus decreasing profits made by the school catering company. The magazine wanted to increase its profits for its sale of green grapes." We here at The Hampstead Trash like bananas and green grapes equally, however we find it despicable that the school supported magazine is indoctrinating the school population with an anti-banana rhetoric.

This work of propaganda is a major threat to the school society, and endangers the livelihood of the employees here at The Hampstead Trash. We urge you, students and staff, to boycott the Hampstead School Magazine and to keep up sales of bananas in spite of the magazines disgusting aims. We advise our readers to lobby with their class representatives to not support the magazine and to throw dirty looks at the school council chair Abdi for his continuing support for the magazine.


  1. Is it true that following a successful bid for sports funding from the lottery, and the popularity of diving in the UK the pond is to be redeveloped into a diving pool? Boards will be set at 1m, 5m and 10m, and students will be encouraged to take inspiration from the athletes training through the day.Talk is that Hampstead School has high hopes of taking an ecological stance, by using a specially designed plant bank to maintain the purity of the water. Tom Daley is said to be supportive of the innovative venture.

    1. As much as i would like this to be the case, the leaked plans were merely part of the proposal for such a project. the project had to be cut once it was discovered that a kraken was living in the pond. if students were to dive into the pond the school would have to ring up Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew to come save the poor student; and we all know what a cunt Sparrow is. The school council has now put proposals forward to increase the size of the pond for biological research done by students.