Monday, 25 February 2013

The Expenses Scandal; The Story Continues

A recent investigation carried out by this publication has revealed that expenses deception has finally hit the Cricklewood Comprehensive School Council, with many school council members having cheated the school out of thousands of pounds. The idea sparked when the expenses fiddling was reported to be taking place in Westminster. As a result of this, School Council Chair Abdi Idba has initiated an inquiry headed by the head to investigate the misdoings of Councillors and retrieve money that was ill spent.

The backbench councillor, Preston Montgomery Sadleton, is reported to have the most illegitimate expenses. Making the school pay for the most inexplicable expense claims, from the cost of the construction of sphinx with a face that resembles his own to the replacement of goose necks instead of toilet paper. The list goes on to even more unfathomable claims:
  • A red carpet that continuously rolls out in front of Sadleton's path,
  • Organic and Fair Trade Red Indian White Lilly Bubble Bath for his pet Chinchilla, Tarquin,
  • An elephant chauffeur called Graham,
  • A donation of £94.63 to the local Ant Rehabilitation Centre,
  • A gold plated first aid band,
  • Six dry cleaning bill for his school tie,
  • Truffle flavoured floor tiling,
  • A Harpsichord constructed out of silk,
  • A fleet of camels for his daily travels.
We confronted Cllr. Sadleton as he was waiting for his chauffeur to pick him up from outside school to take him to his gynaecologist. When presented and questioned about the list of his expense claims Sadleton replied: "Who are you? A journo? F**k off! I only speak to the Telegraph, not scum like yourself. Expenses?! What in the blazes is this? I contest this disgusting allegation, I have made no such expense claims. Even so, this is despicable, can't a man provide his chinchilla with adequate bubble bath?  Who are you to look down on a man wipes his backside with goose necks? I suppose you have never felt such luxury, you pleb. Where in gods name is Graham?!". By the time this article has been published, Cllr. Sadleton will have attempted to hide his fleet of camels.

It seems even the Secretary of Health, ironically, can not keep her affairs in order. This past year Councillor Emilia Wellington has racked up a £9483.28 bill owed to the local fried chicken shop, Sams Chicken. As much as this publication takes dearly to that oh so sweet  and tender chicken, we can not even begin to understand the sheer amount of chicken Cllr. Wellington has consumed. This is not only a daft violation of an expense claim, but an insult to the scrumptious food our dear catering staff provide for us daily.

The inquiry is expected to last six months in total, with witnesses and testimonies from all councillors and party members. A great public spanking is expected after as a punishment for all misdoers.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.

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