Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Head present at Bilderberg meetings, important information leaked.

The Decapitated Head was present at this week’s Bildenberg meetings, and our reliable mole (the one on the back of his neck) got us some information on deals he made while there, that were meant to remain secret.

Firstly, he struck a deal with Barclays to sponsor the Bike Shed hire scheme. This will create one new job for the caretakers to do, as the sheds must be painted bright blue, and carry the Barclays name. The reaction from students to the deal were positive, as “dey’s the wuns wot sponsers the Premyership footy,” one Sixth-former wrote.

In addition to this, Officer Whatshisface will be replaced by G4S officers, armed with tasers. There were protests in the Quad over this change, with one demonstrator saying "This is morally wrong, how can you let a private company be put in charge of 1000 stud-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." The smelly dirty hippie 'protesters' were swiftly moved along by the heroic G4S officers.

Another deal was that CaterLink's deal for providing us with Offal was terminated, after the infamous fire incident. It has been announced that Findus have taken over, and that the day popularly dubbed "Fish & Chips Friday" will be replaced by Undisclosed Meat Lasagne.

Finally, there was the deal made by GCHQ on behalf of the head, for the American NSA to put the Doughnut Cartels under surveillance and to track their movements, in an attempt to prevent any further gangland killings and get the situation under control.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.