Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Condoms - "Safe, Fun and Protected"

Another Trash first here, introducing the debut article of our 6th current writer, E. Rex Sean.

As the main event of the infamous bullying week at Hampstead, students were bequeathed rubber bands of various colours (cos we is multi-culturawl innit). The bands were given out in assemblies and in form time by 'innocent' HABZ (we can't quite decipher that acronym, but it either means Head's Anal Bleaching Zone) members alongside messages of goodwill and advice as "Don't Bully, yeah?" and "Have you seen my stripy tie?". However, in with the unforgettable, profound words of support, there were some that just didn't seem to fit in, such as "Don't every take them off" and "Don't put them too close to magnets, it balls's them up."

Intrigued at how a magnet could some how affect rubber (A* Science there, folks), we decided to open one up. Scalpel (freshly stolen from the prep room) in hand, we chopped one open and, lo and behold, there was a tracker.

With further investigation (heavy petting a stripy tied student till they spoke), we discovered that the HABZ were a front for a bigger operation, orchestrated by the Management, to track every student by GPS. After informing the Human Rights Officer (who replied with a "meh" and went to buy some more bins), we told the several factions of students (MUTS, USAYWUT, and the Donuts Cartels) who told all their followers about the dastardly plan.

The subsequent trading, collecting and fighting over bands have foiled the BLT’s plans to keep us pinned down. Bands of students have got together and fights over the pieces of plastic have become commonplace. An emergency School Council meeting has been held, in which it was suggested Band Aid be given to the wounded. It's completely unacceptable that the Rights of the Child they so deeply care about are being broken, and on a more important note, all the money could be spent on something useful, like banners. 

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.


  1. Keep up the good fight! Tyrants exposed lose much of their power.

  2. Head's Anal Bleaching Zone? Hilarious!