Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Doughnut Cartel Fight over Territory

LATEST NEWS on Hampstead cartel fight (not sure what else to call it): various fights break out across the grounds over territorial dominance between the two opposing cartels, Cookie and Crunch. The first spat, located yesterday at approximately 1:40p.m. in the new republic of Quad, resulted in a Year 12 student (said to be one of the main confection vendors, or 'el Husmeador de Galletas') getting face-screwed by two Year 11's with haircuts resembling toothbrushes. The reason for the fight, described to Trash Reporters by several over-excited on-looking Year 7's (we are not sure if they was excited by the fight or the physical contact between three men...) as:

"Baaasically, dat tall guy stepped on the other man's ends, init, wiv his shoes Brav, and he was baaaare red n shit he started punchin him wiv his lanky arms init, nice arms but loooong init, an den dat Aquafresh guy backed him up and they was beating de crap out of him."

The statement by the aforementioned climactic toddler had barely been made before another fight broke out, this time in East Quad, with the school's entire population proceeding to 'flock', like pigeons to the prospect of bread, or, well, pigeons to dead bodies, to the next fight. According to sources at the scene, the Colgate duo got into a bit of a domestic (should we call it that? yes, let's), and then ran away together, hand in hand, towards the next best hideout (not), that massive patch of grass at the back.

By this time the opposing cartel had rallied its men, and a swarm of students, lead by the opposing faction, chased down the Signal Couple, torches and pitchforks bared, the twosome finally retreating to the bounds of a year room. We can only speculate on the rest, or the reasons for the sudden outbreak of fierce violence, however there is talk that it stems from the fact that the Berlin Wall has been put down, and that there is now no physical barrier between the opposing faction, and so it is a free-for-all between the cartels as to who claims the fresh paving slabs.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

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