Friday, 29 November 2013

Cookie overlords adopt new lifestyle

More entrepreneurial cookie dealers have endeavoured into the realm of Bitcoin, a popular digital currency, based on the rate of its perceived value, through its exchange.  Recently the value of a single bitcoin reached US$1000. Cookie dealers, faced with basic division, struggled to properly price cookies at the 50p standard, with their new system, so instead fixed the price of a cookie at 1 bitcoin.

“Dat’s maths, innit? I ain’t doin’ maths” said a popular dealer who wished to remain unnamed, “all I’m tryin’ a do is make some cash by conning some year sevens outta their parents cash, don’t wanna hafta get my calculator out, bruv. One is a number everyone can remember, right? I ain’t rememberin’ all dem digits like the maths teacher’s high on second hand dope.” He added, stroking his gold jewelry and flicking through a wad of money in his hand.

With the current pricing at an all-time high, and clueless year sevens not knowing any better, cash in hand payment for cookies has been subtly done away with. Now, only bitcoin can be used to buy a cookie, and with the prices so high, the former underground dealers, renowned for turf wars and baked goods smelling of LynxTM “Eau de Sam’s”, have come into focus as millionaire gangsters.

“It’s great, innit?” says Abdi Wayne, sporting an untucked shirt that he bribed the SLT a crafty tenner for, at the gate. “Someone giving you trouble? Slip fatso a fiver to smack ‘em one”.

However, for there to be profit, there has to be money spent on the other end. Many children, after pestering their parents or carers dry, have set up camp in cardboard boxes around the school. Likening their situation to year 7 camp (in its lack of hygiene and crawling through muddy tubes), the slum inhabitants have banded together to protest the use of bitcoin, but were quickly silenced when a passing dealer slipped them a twenty.

The Disembodied Head gave an address to the newly reunified Quad, claiming that this will “revitalise the business department,” and “we might even get a few more banners out of it”. 

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.


  1. "Above all, whether you are in the public or the private sector, John Lewis or Barclays Bank, you will learn that if you challenge authority you will lose the chance of promotion and if you challenge it in public, you will lose your job. To prosper in the workplace, as in the dictatorship, you must tell leaders what they want to hear."

    1. The same paper that is currently challenging the government social affairs select committee on leaked documents about intelligence, or rather, their lack of.