Thursday, 24 April 2014

Buzz Bashing - Spring Term 2014

Now we thought our formatting was bad, or at least it is according to our IT technician Tim Burner-Slee, until we saw this term's Hampstead Buzz thump through our letter boxes like the body parts of a loved one. In retrospect, all Buzz's have been equally as rushed, last-minute, un-spellchecked, incoherent, mad writings, with all the airs and graces of a harpoon. But, despite the reminder of Article 17 (Right to information and Mass Media) at the base of the front page, which is laughable, we shall move on.

The Head's Message, baring a striking resemblance to the last Head's Message (like his rhetoric ever changes), began with a three-paragraph diatribe about the Achievement for All scheme that the school had readily invested over £10,000 in (but that wasn't mentioned) for nothing more than a planner sticker (that wasn't mentioned either). Not only was this matter slightly taken apart in a previous article, but the "kitemark" that the school bought was 'earnt' "last academic year", when the school had yet to show the true colours of its "Anti-bullying strategies". The fact that the Head is still banging on about it shows how little the school has earnt in the last year, not that we want any more achievements clogging up our doodling space.

Then we come to the second half of the message, that talks about the upcoming e-safety evening, that was postponed the first time around due to a 'tube strike', a by-word in the staff room for the apprehensive feeling that no one will come. Now, despite the Trash agreeing that e-safety is a valid thing and people should be aware of the problems of the internet, there are a few fatal flaws with this seminar. Firstly, it is not uncommon that teenagers tend to know more about computers and the internet than their elders. It only takes to look at an IT syllabus to see that what students are supposed to be 'learning' is already old news to them, and it out of date knowledge anyway. Secondly, in conjunction with the previous point, it is then very easy for students to override any form parental control, mostly because is it just another punitive disease, courtesy of Nanny State, that inhibits the freedoms of young people. Also, most parents would rather not monitor their children, perhaps because they have some small level of respect for them, unlike the Though Police SLT, or perhaps they would rather not have to scroll through the A-Z encyclopedia of porn of an evening. Finally, we think it a little coincidental that this evening was confirmed, with all the advice on censorship, monitoring and penalisation under the guise of safety just as this blog hit 1 year old. Do with that what you will.

Moving on from the heavy sarcasm, on the back page of this leaflet, that had about as much meat to it as Kate Moss, was a little vignette about a Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet no less, coming to Hampstead. The performance, performed by the Globe Trotters, consisted of key scenes from the play, because Year 9 can't sit down for more than an hour without getting fidgety, and was watched avidly by teachers, harking and swooning at lines such as "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou blazer?" and "A pair of star-cross'd lovers make out behind yonder bike-shed".

There was no greater tale of woe,
Than Jaques, and his Senior Team of Ludo

Most of the rest doesn't bear commenting on (or we just couldn't think of any jokes for them), and most of the notices were things yet to come (yeah, because they belong in "Highlights and Achievements"). However, as always, below are some of the many pictures, that we have given much needed captions too...

The manager of the teachers team, known as The Szpecial One, bemoaned his team's lack of penetration, and requested to sign a new sex-ed teacher in the summer transfer window. Here he is in his custom Mafia Boss Beige shirt.

Lemmings ready to jump.

Controversial new sex-ed class takes off.
"For sooth, blud."

East Quad United take to the pitch.                                                        EQU's rivals, West Quad City.

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