Friday, 15 August 2014

Buzz Bashing - Summer Term 2014

The Head could not have been more predictable this year, devoting his entire introductory message of the Summer Buzz to the Achievement for All, including a photo of the plaque the school have received, that costed the school a mere £43,000. Now, we are sure that the plaque is worth its weight in gold, and is made of only the finest Wiltshire Quarks, but even so, £43,000 makes for one hell of an expensive plaque. When it was placed on the front of the English Block, so students were confused, thinking for a second that someone of actual note had gone to Hampstead.

Also funny to see that the two students that represented Hampstead at the latest AfA get-together also represent perfect Hampstead Uniform on the Uniform Propaganda posters. We wonder why they were chosen...

Another article boasted that this year was the school's best attendance ever, which was up at 95%. So, well done 95% of you for bothering to turn up. Well done for almost doing something you are legally obliged to do. What the school forgot to mention about that figure, is that it means that the average Hampstead student misses 9.5 days of school every academic year (190 days). As per the school's own statistics, every 8.5 days of school missed is a drop of half a grade. This means the school is celebrating the fact that, on average, every Hampstead kid dropped half a grade this year. All this costing the school £55,000 per anum.

There was a small notice on the bottom of the front page about E-Safety (because the school are notoriously good at protecting themselves on the internet). The article featured the fact that there would be summer training for Year 6 students on "how to be a better digital citizen". This is an obvious attempt by the school to stifle our young anarchists and mad writers. We can presume that the lessons will be entitled 'Defamation', 'The troubles of Blogs' and 'Why Free Speech is a Bad Thing'.

We also had a visit from "some students" from Luxembourg. Yes, Luxembourg. Congratulations on them for managing to bring their entire population of secondary school students to our special section of hell, rather than the London Eye or whatever tourists do before, as we are often told by (Tory/UKIP character name), stealing our NHS and Benefits and stuff. We are eager for the return visit, where Hampstead students struggle living without a rip off fried chicken store for miles: "Avez-vous le Poulet de Sam?"

The History Department also reported hosting a visit by 30 trainee teachers from Texas. According to the article the visitors were "treated to home-made Ghanaian food", which was reportedly a traditional pigeon dish, made with a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, and being served in a traditional bucket.

On the back side was the usual reminder about Uniform, the school neglecting to rectify their sexist standpoint on Cultural Dress that we publicly contested. Equally, along with the Buzz came the school calendar, which this year featured photos and articles from the UNICEF Charter (because they have to be on everything) as well the many many paid for achievements of the school emblazoned on the back, like on everything else, because, after all, 'This is a Good Calendar'.

If you want to read the Buzz, you don't deserve to read at all. Go and find the latest OK magazine and browse it whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle show on your sofa in your jogging bottoms whilst fondling yourself.

"And then they stapled my thumb into this

"Goddamn foreigners coming over here, invading our British
schools, taking British school places!" - Nigel Homage

Homeless found on Heath.

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