Thursday, 15 October 2015

BREAKING NEWS: Head's Mixtape Thrown Away for 'Being Too Fire'

We here at Hampstead School want to provide a safe, caring, environment for your child to learn and achieve together with us as one unit, to get the best possible BTEC's and Sam’s work experiences the school has ever se-

*We interrupt this propaganda broadcast to bring you breaking news from the East Quad*

Hampstead was rocked this Monday when a bin laden (geddit) with explosives went up in smoke, rivaling the Head in being full of hot air. In a statement, the Head remarked that the whole ordeal was "rubbish that had been blown way out of proportion". He went on to say something about 'leftist, proletariat media' and 'that damn Trash', but the language became too fruity to print.

Newsvendors today received a statement claiming that the so-called Ingrish Republican Army was responsible for the recent bombing in the Quad (we expect the ETC. to report on it in several decades). Forensic analysts at the crime scene described how a doughnut had been laced with explosives and, hiding the fried concoction in the bodies of Year 7’s, the bomb was thrown into a Hampstead™ bin which then, unlike fire-damaged copycat Chinese fireworks, blew up. As the plastic of the bin began to resemble the Nazis' faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark, witnesses claimed stock images of Hiroshima played in the sky, and particularly religious members of the school began shouting the name of our Muslamic Studies expert, Alan Huakbar, leaving at the scene only some slightly charred half finished pizzas, and a pleasant, sweet-smelling aroma.

In other, completely unrelated news, four people have been taken into hospital with serious burns and an "it-weren't-me-honest" look on their faces. The Head has commented that “every minute is a learning minute” and they are due to be in school, with full school uniform tomorrow.

For those who missed it, here are some selected photos of the scene taken:

A new pope is elected.

DISCLAIMER: We apologise to anyone who's identity we haven't hidden in the footage, but you shouldn't have been in the way standing there gawking. This is a spoof based on real events, so don't take our word for it.

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