Friday, 16 October 2015

Putting the Ham in Hampstead

Recently re-elected member of the student council and avid homeless-botherer, Preston Montgomery-Saddleton was this week accused by long-term organ donor, Lord Abdicroft, of sticking his Pink Phallus of Persecution in a pig's head whilst attending Uxbridge university. Abdicroft, who is said to have given Saddleton a heart and a brain (not that we can see either, or those given to him by the former vertebrate Abdi Clegg), justified his assertions by saying that he had once seen "a photo of it on Snapchat, with the caption 'adding some salt to Peppa', but [he] couldn't screenshot it in time because [he] had replay turned off."

Saddleton responded to the allegations in a statement, saying Lord Abdicroft was telling "porkies", and that he was "the swine", to which Abdicroft remarked that he had "never had Saddleton's junk in his mouth" before muttering 'no homo'. Fellow members were quick to rush to Saddleton's aid, Boris 'The Rock' Johnson overheard saying "I would've, a-wibble", and Maximilian Oscar-Oolong retorting that "It is preposterous that someone could think Preston would do such thing. You can just tell by his wife he's a horse man."

A spokesperson for the newly-elected Leader of the Opposition, Abdi Corbyn, issued a statement that simply read "Haram."

DISCLAIMER: This article is not to be consumed by Muslims, Jews or those allergic to bacon, as it may contain pig. This is, of course, a spoof of recent allegations in the national newspapers about the PM, and so none of it is whatsoever true about any member of the student council, to our knowledge...

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