Wednesday, 27 January 2016

A History of Hampstead by Simon Shawarma - Episode 3: "Annexation and the Rise of UQIP"

The Trash is proud to host our Historical correspondent, Simon Shawarma, in the third episode of his new three-part series on the long and eventful history of Hampstead's past.

Thus, we come to the modern history of Hampstead. After the dissolution of the Cricklewood Comprehensive Cess Pool (C.C.C.P), the fall of the Wooden Curtain and the subsequent reunification of East and West Quad to form the United Quaddom, the Hampstead Federation still faced the prospect of uncertainty amongst its people; uprising, riots and political discourse.

As documented by one guest writer and self-confessed conspirator, Marcus Absent, in the heat of the 2010 student protests, Hampstead citizens rose up against the powers that be to try and escape the troubled land, in an attempt to defect from the rest of education due to heightened tuition fees.

The crowd, that had begun to gather in the Quad (formerly the Red Square), had started out non-violent, with organisers of the Hampstead-based protest under the impression that they would be able to leave. However, eleven struck and the gates at the Southern border of Récepción remained firmly closed, with guards protecting the exits. The crowd was growing exponentially as the minutes went by, more protesters and onlookers joining the throng. Low-level violence began to break out, and some more tenacious individuals jumped the fences nearby.

It was growing towards breaking point, and tensions were at their highest. The protesters were poised, waiting for one mistake to be made by the border force. It came when an elder took to opening one of the gates to get through, leading to a surge of people that toppled the guards, filing into the bottleneck of the Récepción. All officials could do were open the external gates to stop a crushing stampede. Many protesters fed out in quick succession, however, as it transpired, very few wanted to protest against the tuition fees, and instead, being apathetic conniving teenagers, went to Sam's.

Slinking back to the grounds after an hour or so, the majority of 'protesters' returned with damning evidence of their so-called revolution; greasy fingers and a stench of pigeon.

In response to the uprising, there was a ripple of rioting that swept the central areas of Hampstead, such as Chicken Kiev, which in 2014 reached its climax when Hampstead Federation leader Abdimir Putin moved troops in to 'restore order' to the region, in the process annexing the far-flung Crimearedpitch region.

Meanwhile, in the rest of the Hampstead Federation, many were now upset not by the dictatorial regime, but the bureaucratic one that had replaced it. The right wing of the Student Council had grown restless at the Management's policy of freedom of movement between borders, allowing anyone to go into Hampstead. In response, a far-right political party was given rise to, with the mission of making Hampstead 'good' again; the United Quad Independence Party (UQIP). Under the watchful eye of Abdi Garage, UQIP came to great political prominence during the 2015 Election, bringing about mass debate (very clever -Ed) on the relationship of the Student Council and the Management, calling for reform on the amount of sidemen allowed to enter Hampstead (claiming 99.9% per year was too high).

However united, the rise of UQIP was a short-lived; despite the defection of various large names in the Council to the UQIP ranks, such as Maximillian Oscar-Oolong and Marcus Kengtun, come the election, the student populous fell back on its old ways of voting for one of the main parties, only strengthening the Management's hold, with UQIP coming a sorry second. With relics of the past, such as the 60's Bloc, being removed slowly, we no longer talk of a history of Hampstead, but its future... (Can we cut this last sentence out? Its very cheesy. It sounds like one of the Head's 'motivational sayings' -Ed)

The Kremlinglish Block

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