Tuesday, 26 January 2016

A History of Hampstead by Simon Shawarma - Episode 2: "Quadrophenia"

The Trash is proud to host our Historical correspondent, Simon Shawarma, in his new three-part series on the long and eventful history of Hampstead's past. 

With the Wooden Curtain fully established by the mid 60's, the wall segregating the still soviet East Quad from the republic of West Quad was erected, a political, cultural and economic divide fell over Norf Weezie. The Cricklewoodgrad empire stretched afar, buffered only by the capitalist states in the West. Whilst the Cricklewood Comprehensive Cess Pool (C.C.C.P) ushered in a realm of Hampsteadian Constructivism, raising architectural feats such as what came to be known as the 'New Block', astounding the public even today that it still stands (sort of), as well as striking Cricklewoodgrad art showing brave comrade workers contributing towards the greater good of the C.C.C.P.

Across the pond (haha, geddit), fear that the Cricklewoodgrad Empire's reach was too far and too gripping on Norf Weezie had set in, with leading politicians bolstering support for larger defence budgets (in the form of two plods as opposed to one) with what came to be known as the Red Scare. Fear for the communist rule of Cricklewoodgrad stretching across all of Norf Weezie, even to the West's capitalist safe haven. Paranoia set in, with J. Edgar Brookman, head of the Faculty of Bad Innuendos (FBI), accusing everyone from members of the agencies such as the Drama & Ecology Area (DEA) to the Cricklewoodgrad Intelligence Attache (CIA) to members of the top secret Manzhattan Project being accused of anarchist communist tendencies or being communist spies for the C.C.C.P. With the advent of the Anti-Territory Of Management weapon (or ATOM Bomb), a panic that total nuclear fallout was constantly days away set in. All territories lived on a knife-edge. Spies from both sides of the curtain traded places in a war of intelligence and deception. West Quad had Night Nurse, East Quad had Calpol; this truly was a Cold War.

[dramatic interlude]

Whilst in this war no blows were ever traded, no guns ever fired (apart from in Ladbroke Grove, but we don't count those), there were fatalities. One notable case was the death of a soviet spy Abdi Abdivinenko, who was admitted to hospital after having his Merals (P.B.U.H) spiked with a lethal dose of Plutonium. His last words, before he passed a few weeks later, were reportedly "I thought my chicken was glowing because I put Light Mayo on it." (very punny. -Ed) As I say, a war of intelligence.

By the 80's, various successors of Sztalinkowski had made their mistakes as rulers, and the trade blockades from the West meant the C.C.C.P was suffering economically. This, coupled with several disasters across the empire weakened morale among the Cricklewoodgrad public. For instance, in 1986, one of the R.E.A.C.T cores at the Ecology Plant in Chernobyl went into meltdown after someone stole their sandwich, leading to an unprecedented amount of harmful detritus circulating around the whole of Norf Weezie, even making it to some whiteboards in the West.

During the 80's, as well as previous decades, Western culture had become greatly more free and open, with many groups and trends, such as mods, rockers, anarchists and poodle perms. As well as rebelling against the establishment in the West, many of these groups wanted to see the grip of Cricklewoodgrad power in East Quad relinquished and the country once again unified under the same rule. In 1989, they got what they wanted, with little-known actor David Hasselbrookman singing so passionately that the Wooden Curtain was toppled. East and West Quad were unified, and the Cricklewoodgrad rule was left exposed.

Following a coup d'etat by the Hampstead Revolutionary Wing, in 1991 the C.C.C.P announced its official dissolution, with interim leader Boris Johnson taking over as Head of Hampstead (I know!). Despite great economic uncertainty, mass poverty and Chicken separatists, Johnson dragged the newly-formed Hampstead Federation kicking and screaming into the modern world. In 2000, Abdimir Putin (who bears no relation to H&K leader Tulip Putin) took over from Johnson, and has been in office to the present day.

Don't forget to read the next instalment of Simon Shawarma's History of Hampstead - Episode 3: Annexation and the Rise of UQIP - which will be available very soon.

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