Friday, 22 January 2016

Op-Ed #2

Abdi Corbyn writes:

Hello, Chaps! What is wagwarning?

You know, I’ve had a lot of flak recently, and I want to talk to you, the public, about how I, Abdi Corbyn, am not to blame for everything. Some people have written some pretty nasty Blairite stuff about how I am not the one who is in charge of my party and its message. Well, I can say categorically, after an internal exploratory discussion, that I am quite possibly the leader!

I have also been slammed by the media for trying out a new type of debate in the Student Council Commons. Some people have said that reading questions from the public makes me ‘sound like a Blue Peter presenter’ and is ‘undemocratic; letting people have their say in a public arena’. I think it is vital the views of students are totally ignored by the opposition, as does Toliver, who says ‘Who keeps shrinking the jellies!!!1!!11!’ Normally, it is members of the public who best put the question of the day, such as Shequané, who asks: ‘Dear Santa, can I’ – sorry, wrong letter.

Also, there’s my cabinet to worry about. Twelve weeks it’s been on Gumtree, and nobody’s claimed it. I think the maple veneer is about to peel. But, anyway, on to my other cabinet – you know, the one with people in it (but not in a creepy actual-skeletons-in-the-closet way). Just recently my Shadow Chancellor, Abdi McDonnell, pulled out Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book in a Student Council Meeting. You know, I don’t know what he was thinking. Likening the school’s governing body to an irrational, oppressive dictatorship lead by one power-crazy man masquerading as some sort of sovereign of equality and empowerment of the people is absurd. We all know that there is no chance that every government is corrupt. As Jocasta says: ‘Did you really bang Diane Abdibott, and, if so, why?’

DISCLAIMER: Obviously, these are not the views of the Hampstead Trash, but a spoof under the name of a fictitious character. Anyone who thinks these are genuine beliefs needs to get a grip.

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