Wednesday, 13 April 2016

SHOCK HORROR: School to Add 5th Song to Playlist

Hampstead was rocked this week by the news that a fifth song would be added to the well-known school playlist, featured at the start and end of every assembly, event and evening. Originally released under the title Now that’s What I Call Assembly ’94, the playlist included only four songs: R.E.S.P.E.C.T, Valerie, Think and Proud.

After a long and drawn out selection process, the fifth song that all present and future Hampstead students will come to know and, well, know, is the classic hit Use Somebody by Kings of Leon. Speaking on the choice, the Head remarked that “before now, the four songs we had on loop covered all the motivational messages we wanted to give to Hampstead students; respect, pride, not going to rehab. Only now, with the current economic climate and a need to teach students how to climb up the corporate ladder, do we need a 5th song.”

Many critics have attacked the school for breaking from their incessant four-song policy, Nick Gryffindor saying “OMG. Check out my hair, it’s like a toothbrush!” and known backward-thinker A. Olde-Mann saying “back in my day, we only had one song”.

The selection process was said to have taken several months, ruling out a series of nominations until only one was left. Nominations that were rejected by the SLT panel were said to include Come As You Are, for promoting too much individualism and non-uniformity, Blue Monday, for not reflecting the school ethos and true nature of Mondays as a time for looking forward to the week of learning ahead, and **** the System, for obvious reasons (and there is no chance that every system is corrupt -Ed).

The new song will be added to the assembly playlist once the school works out how to fit a floppy disk into the Hall’s CD player.

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