Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Student Council Leader Attacked Over Tax Avoidance

The leader of the Student Council, Preston Montgomery Saddleton, has come under fire this week after the 11m documents leak from wine merchants Mossack Fonseca showed he had been given £30,000 of pocket money from his father tax free, because of a loophole in the tax system in Britain.

Saddleton, who has recently been in the spotlight for turning all schools into factories and making a bae of pigs, is said to have received £30,000 of shares in his father's holdings company, Dodgy McDodgeface, as well as up to £500,000 in gifts and inheritance.

The leader is said to have exploited a loophole in the UK tax system wherein, because he is under the age of 18, he does not have to pay tax on any income. When questioned about his financial affairs, the leader stated: "What I have done is something entirely legal, and I did it all before becoming leader, which makes it alright then."

This was criticised by leader of the opposition, Abdi Corbyn (but then again that is his job), who said that Saddleton had "lost trust" and that the issue was "not a legal one, but a moral one".

"The leader has in the past criticised other public figures and celebrities for benefiting from the same schemes that he knew he and his family have also benefited from," said Corbyn in a statement. "To call others who have done the same 'morally unacceptable' is a double-standard, and one that paints him by his own brush as 'morally unacceptable'."

Known horse-fiddler and part poltergeist, Maximilian Oscar-Oolong (Chancellor of the Exchequer), was quick to defend his school pal and fellow student councillor by saying "Preston has lead the fight over the past six years to try and close these tax loopholes, more so than those lefty-liberals who are supposed to do it". However, this was refuted by opposition who pointed out that if he had really clamped down on tax avoidance, people wouldn't be avoiding tax, not least of which himself.

Abdi Farron, leader of the (albeit smaller) band of merry men, also made the genuine comment that "this is the man who is in charge of making the rules, so to be rigging the game for his own personal gains over the betterment of the country he is there to serve is very unethical. It is a conflict of interests. The leader of the student council should be a figurehead and a role model, but in a genuine way, not in a 'beige personality, shirt tucked in and can smile for the camera' way that the Head loves", but that was drowned out by all the hyperbole.

Saddleton has since published all the relevant paperwork on his tax situation, which caused outrage when it showed that, despite living in this country as long as he had been alive, he had never paid a penny in tax. Saddleton retorted that he was "not a bloody adult", but this was only met with derision.

The Mossack Fonseca leaks revealed that other obviously shifty people had benefited from off-site tax havens. Names included student councillor Lord Abdicroft, who claimed on expenses an evil villain's secret volcano lair as a second home, hedge fund firm Privet Accounting Ltd, Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye, King of the oil-rich nation Chi'cken Cottage, Mickey Mouse and the sun god Ra.

Almost all of the schemes facilitated by the legal firm Mossack Fonseca, and their Russian partners Kosak Fonseca, involved clients putting all their money into a big hat so the taxman couldn't see it.

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