LEAKED Minutes from the Referendum Debate

Item 1: UK to join Schengen area with the aid of a recycled donut-carton bridge.
Minutes: Abdi Ibn-Abdi (Remain) welcomes this as a fantastic way of welcoming people to the UK. Abdina Ibn-Abdi (Leave) says at such heights UK Border Forces will be unable to accurately apply stereotypes to travellers.
Time spent on item: 19hr 45m.
Action: Half of bridge to be constructed.

Item 2: Make Great Britain great again.
Minutes: Stanley J Chester (Leave) declares "We should take back the colonies!"
Time spent on item: 13 minutes.
Action: Nothing.

Item 3: Would Britain join a United States of Europe?
Minutes: Abdi Of Chester (Leave) says to end integration; "we want differentiation". Gabriel Garcia Markers responds as a "young black male anthromorphised robot", describing how he thinks we should all check out his new book.
Time spent on item: 100 years.
Action: Abdi proves that the gradient of a curve is dy/dx.

Item 4: Money from campaigns to be donated to the homeless.
Minutes: Jess "Jenarous" Jessington (Undecided, Labourious) says "frankly" before the BBC (Big Black Camera) cuts coverage.
Time spent on item: 3.2 ms.
Action: Jess Jessington is dismissed from the Labourious party.

The booklet sent to all Hampstead students.