Friday, 24 June 2016

Shock as Students Vote to Leave School

Hampstead was shocked today by the outcome of yesterday’s in-out-shake-it-all-about referendum on whether the school should remain part of the I-EU.

With all the results in and counted, 52% voted to leave the Norf Weezie Union (or NWU) whilst 48% voted to stay in, with a high turn-out electorate of four, meaning 2.08 people decided to leave. When asked how it was possible that 0.08 of a person was capable of voting, the Department for Mathematics, Statistics and Confusing Children responded that “rather than count the votes through a conventional method, seeing as there were so many the school decided to take a stratified sample and applied a binomial distribution…”

The result proved to be a historic win for the ‘Cut From Deez Endz’ campaign, who fought the ‘Innit’ campaign in the past few months over Hampstead’s place in the NWU. One of the key campaigners for Hexit, Abdi Garage, made a statement when the result was announced, saying: “Haha! I cannot tell you the type of leaving party I’m going to be having tonight! But, on a serious note, I can’t believe I actually won something!”

Following the surprise result, Preston Montgomery-Saddleton announced that he would be stepping down as leader of the council come the end of the academic year, in consequence of the result of the vote. In a heartfelt(ish) statement, the leader said he would oversee the return to stability and election of his successor, adding that “he was saddened” that “nobody has signed my yearbook yet”. One of the main contenders for the top job is Boris ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who in a statement earlier today renewed his claims not to want to be leader, stating clearly: “Hmwhaughh!”

Also on the rocks was opposition leader Abdi Corbyn, who came under fire today with a motion of no confidence from his own side over his leadership. The motion argued that he “had not shown an ability to provide healthy opposition and enact considerable change, but instead apathy and despondence” in his time, reflecting the wider state of the School Council. However, after putting down his McPigeon Burger and sighing, retorted that “you know, I try my best, chaps, and if that’s not good enough, then I don’t know what is. Now leave me alone, you damned right-wing conspiracy media. Please?”

Along with the momentous events of the day came fresh calls for a second referendum into the possible independence of the Back Cage. Didier Poisson, independence leader for the referendum two years ago, urged the Back Cage to set about a second vote. The Back Cage being an inanimate object that no longer really exists, no such response has yet happened.

The instant repercussions of the vote to leave the NWU were felt across the Hampstead markets. The Hampstead Cookie Exchange closed up down thirty nuggs, whilst the Hampstead day-old doughnut, unofficial currency of the region, was valued at only 63p to the pound. However, the Ecology market, as always, ended on a high.

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