Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Lean For The Masses

Following CaterMissingLink's recent decision to supplement the ever-shrinking jellies with a 'grape flavour codeine beverage', Hampstead School's music durpartmunt has made the controversial decision to include trap music in its famously chameleon curriculum.

Citing the recent success of Desiigner's [sic] Panda, Hampstead's music durpartmunt unveiled two new classes, '808 Studies' and 'Breaking People's Subwoofers 101'. Clutching a barely-functioning microphone, our reporter managed to salvage these opinions from the hungry masses swarming to get their mid-morning drank-and-overdrive on from the nearby common room canteen:

*Loud cough* "Whazzupp," *Takes swig from Calpol-sized bottle in brown paper bag* "I thin- bluerghh." *vomits on reporter before lapsing into unconsciousness* - Man in oversized panda suit.

"Trap excites the primal instincts of men and women alike, bringing them to disinhibited, animalistic states." - Mis. R. Bel O'dCoot.

"Say wallah?! Ay Abdi, they sellin' lean. Come we jack some wasteman's meal ticket." *brief scuffle ensues* *lunch is ended 5 minutes early* - Abdi, Year 7.

Despite the largely positive (and sedate) reaction to the menu change, some have criticised it as "another way of the school mind-controlling us". CaterMissingLink manager Sam Anella said that "students can easily buy grape-based drinks such as KA from the local corner shop, so why shouldn't we be cashing in on it?" Asked if the school was drugging kids, a spokesperson said that "the kids are drugging kids; haven't you seen our exam results?"

DISCLAIMER: The Trash obviously doesn't endorse the use of drugs, especially ones with such terrible highs as codeine. Anyone thinking about the use of drugs off the back of this article is too incapable of individual thought to warrant melting their brain any further.

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