Monday, 22 August 2016

Her Name Was Rio

Students were disappointed as this summer's sports day turned out to be less wavey than expected.

According to the latest ETC. the games will be held 'either in Argentina [sic] or Uruagay [sic]’, and will feature competing students ‘from over seventy ethnic backgrounds, nearly half of the amazing 210 ethnicities we have at Hampstead.’

However, following a scandal in which student competitors were found to be indulging in prohibited ecological advancements that had been cut with a mixture of brownies, boost and the jam from doughnuts behind the bikeshed velodrome, the integrity of the games was thought to be possibly compromised (unlike any other integrity Hampstead holds).

Rushin’ students were said to be banned from the event - as well as corridors - but this was said to be due to them testing positive for speed. One such competitor, a Mr Sonic T. Hedgehog, said of this: “gotta go fast”.

When asked to comment on the ban, leader of the Rushin' students, Vlabdimir Putin, said: “it is an outrage and a disgrace. No one should be able to cheat the international community by taking whatever they want to put themselves ahead.” Mr Putin was famous for, in 2014, annexing a patch of the Eastern Bloc known as 'Crimea’.

Suspicions about a possible doping scandal were first aroused when jelly samples stored in one of the science labs were said to be 'shrinking’. Technicians soon found this was because contaminated jelly was being swapped out for incrementally smaller pots of jelly from the canteen.

However, despite the games being fraught with scandal, Jacques Szynchronisedswimmingkowski, head of the Interschool Organisation of Clowns (or IOC) said in a bold statement: “this is a good games.”

Sam's hosted the Real Pidgeon Shooting rather than the traditional Clay Pidgeon

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