Thursday, 10 November 2016

SHOCK HORROR: Billionaire Porcupine Masquerading as Twat Wins Election

Keeping up with all the other main newscasters, the Trash is ready to call the election for Councillor in Chief for DoNaldé Trump, a surprising win from the outsider, with many predicting the election would go Hillary Cards’ way.

The popular vote had all night been a tight race, with only one vote separating the two candidates (the walls of the New Building are very thin), however Trump streaked ahead in the Electoral Technology College, an arcane system by which students elect ‘Class Reps’ who then supposedly vote for what the students want.

After the results became clear, a Trump win brought uncertainty to the markets. Overnight the value of the chocolate chip cookies dropped dramatically, whilst the nugg remained largely stable. Equally, the jam doughnut plummeted, leading many Doughnut Cartels to sell off their stocks.

Cards conceded the election after it became clear it was impossible for her to win by electoral college votes, despite winning the popular vote. In a statement, Cards said: “I give up, you people are impossible.”

In his winning speech, Trump said of his plans: “We're gonna build the wall. It's gonna be a great wall. A great wall. It's gonna be better than the wooden curtain. Speaking of which, I don't know Putin. I don't. What was I saying again?"

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