Monday, 5 December 2016

Hampstead's Hidden Meth Labs

Hampstead School has become the first school in upper-lower-central-western-East Cricklewood to open and successfully operate a full configuration of on-site meth labs.

Due to budget cuts, Hampstead's meth lab is staffed entirely by Year 7s, 8s and 9s. Headteacher Jakwezz Szmethyspeedski, violently gnashing his teeth slightly more than usual, called the scheme "pioneering", praising the "ingenuity" and "[school sanctioned] street spirit" of Hampstead's "drugs squad".

While not being the first school to do so, Hampstead's adroit usage of the powerful research and education tool BuzzFeed has kept operational costs down and product pure. In an official press release, Hampstead provided mirrored links to various videos, among them "22 Ways To Synthesise Meth From Rotting Banana Peel", "One WEIRD TRICK For Using Any Starbucks Winter Spice Latte Cup As A Pressurised Reaction Vessel" and "How To Take The M-Train".

Critics quickly pointed out that the scheme was "obviously a straight rip-off of Shaking Heads", who collaborated with BuzzFeed to produce the acclaimed video series on the delicate art of being a meth cook. Despite our best attempts to harass and generally irritate lab technicians, they declined to comment on the matter, instead generally preferring to don an additional four pairs of cheap sunglasses when confronted.

Of course, no pandering attempt to appear relevant and "down with the kids" is complete without a correspondingly out-of-date and poorly designed poster. We're not quite sure what would constitute the "most scientific" cake, as the act of baking any cake involves even the most rudimentary form of science, but whatever meaning there might be has been concealed especially well, which is an understandable necessity for any covert meth technician requirement poster.

Really Bad !!
DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.

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