Friday, 8 March 2013

Suggestion Box Exclusive

This week the Trash has been granted exclusive access to the suggestions submitted by the public into the new Suggestion boxes. Sifting through the fag butts, parking tickets and used condoms, here are a couple of gems we have stumbled upon:

- The school suggestion boxes should be made out of cheerio’s
- The Head should be replaced by a deaf walrus
- The East Cricklewood Community Metropolitan Comprehensive School mascot, Kevin the Pervy Aye-aye, to be reinstated
- The Walls to be painted with the blood of a thousand Chinese children (high zinc content. A positive).
- Treacle dispensers to be placed around school
- Vajazzle for Otters Society (formerly the Vajazzle for Beavers Society)
- Smartboards made out of gummy bears
- A thousand days of night
- Daily Bear Bating
- Pure bloods only. Kill all mudbloods.
- Daily Cock Fighting (you choose which type of cock I’m talking about)
- East Cricklewood Community Metropolitan Comprehensive School Tut-tuts, with the school emblem on the back made out of human hair, 26” gold rims and to be pulled by a panda named Steven
- Fox hunting in the front cage
- A troll in the dungeon (Trolololol)
- Enslaving of the first-born
- A suggestion box?
- And IT teacher that actually knows how to work a f**king computer
- Pacman

So, there we go. East Cricklewood Community Metropolitan Comprehensive has spoken. If you agree, disagree or have your own opinions, voice them on #getalife or message us on

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. To satirise true events, some characters or events within the article may be fictitious.