Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Wavey Wednesday Cartoon #5

Smelliseaskape seen diving around the issue

In events unforeseen by the staff here at the Trash, the decapitated Head has stated his wishes to absolve himself of any more going-ons at Hampstead School, and was last seen entering a submarine covered in more metal than the Tin Man. After plummeting twenty thousand leagues under the old school pond, he quickly realised how much of an insane idea it was to literally delve away from his problems, and took off his metal sea diver suit as fast as the Tin Man in an R-rated movie. In unrelated news, I have recently watched The Wizard of Oz and it's really good right? Like, woah man. That's some serious stuff there.

Love, Jack "Concept: I am thirty eight, you are my best friend of twenty years. I put the kids to sleep. I sneak down to the kitchen and take out a large bottle of Pinot before pouring it into a modest-sized glass. I take a sip. I wink at you." Gough

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Students Refuse to Step Outside the Tube

The Management has responded to yesterday's fight in traditional Hampstead fashion - that is to say poorly.

In a release leaked by top whistleblower, Abdiard Abdidon, the Trash can confirm that we have exclusive reports of the assemblies that have disrupted lessons for Year 10s and 11s, earlier today. The assemblies took place despite concerns by teachers on how much disruption it would cause to lessons for GCSE students, January being a time when coursework and revision is in its final leg before the gargantuan, incestuous being that is the summer exams rears itself into full ungodly view of Hampstead.

Of course, we knew this assembly was inevitable. Yesterday, an "altercation" - as the Head likes to put it - occurred between the Year 10s and the Year 11s towards the end of the day. After one of them refused to ask the others to step outside the tube, not heeding the Szmellyian branch of philosophy: "Being Moist", what started out modest enough ended with a crowd of people cheering at the fighters. In the end, one eager student ended up being barged by the crowd and taken to the hospital via an ambulance, proving testament that if you crowd a bunch of kids outside in a cramped area, refuse them inside-space, and restrict them with rules that's sole purpose is to boost the Head's ego (I'm looking at you staircase guardians), then you can totally run a school. Being the omnipotent, infallible, and modest person that I am, I know that it is indeed hard building a school whilst also using that same school. In fact, shock horror, the Head brought this up in his speech and it is a point that is palpable and clear and kudos should be given to the Head for acknowledging and doing all he can to resolve this issue for you, the student. Wait. Did I say resolve? I meant go off on how he didn't want to be proved wrong to the more juvenoic of letter senders (side note: does he really get as many letters as he says he does about us?) and continue perpetuating an environment that has now led to the injury of a student.

The simple fact of the matter is the school has been running poorly. Rules that were intended to reduce congestion and make using the school easy and safe, has not necessarily back-fired, but instead not fulfilled its job. Students are more volatile. They're more likely to engage in conflict. Corners of the school have been taken by specific friendship groups and the library has become no more. The top floor has been sectioned off, there is physically not enough room on the ground floor, the music corridor has been quarantined, the second floor is guarded with limited access, and classrooms are reserved for private study (or locked, or occupied) and that's only if the teacher there is nice or doesn't catch you. And it's not like we can go outside anymore seeing as the space has been severely reduced by building works. This fight seemed inevitable, and it is a gross misjustice for the Head and Management to absolve themselves of blame, pat themselves on the bum, say 'we could do nothing', then continue limiting already limited space.

Oh yeah, and the Head was making some pretty out-of-touch anecodotes about fighting haha remember that? What a  M E M E .

Friday, 13 January 2017

This Week in Quotes

President elect, Donads Trump, is quoted to say when visiting Hampstead school; "The buzz is a failing pile of garbage."

I have captured the last image of Mr. Presdident, Donald "Get in the" Trump, Trump; before his toupe flew off into the cold night's air my camera mysteriously stopped working and my wallet grew ten fold in size and weight. As you can see here, his hair has a golden glow that sparkles almost as much as the young man's eyes - when asked how he keeps such a healthy sheen, he simply winked and whispered he takes 'Golden Showers'. As soon as I find out what that cryptic message means, I'll be sure to enlighten you, dear reader, on how to get sheen shine gold wow hair like the Trump himself.

 Jack "Life but every time my wife leaves me it gets faster" Gough

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Trump Pisses Away Credibility

The next Councillor-in-Chief, DoNaldé Trump, has been embroiled in allegations of sexual promiscuity after a document were leaked to the ETC. (yeah, it still exists) and the Buzz just days before his inauguration.

According to the leaked documents, Trump was recorded employing several illegal sexican workers to engage in various sexual activities in the P.E "showers", which he had requested were "golden showers". In response to this claim, Trump took to Twatter to voice his outrage, saying: "I have never solicited sexual activities in the showers. I have only done so in the designated sexual practices areas: in the toilets and behind the bikesheds. #wrong #fakenews"

The report also detailed that he had asked the prostitutes to defile the bed his room, to which his second-in-command, Spenda Penny, responded that this was "not news" and that Trump defiled his bed "just by him sleeping in it."

At a press conference held yesterday, many of the questions from journalists were dominated by the allegations made in the document. Trump called ETC. a "terrible" organisation and the Buzz a "failing pile of garbage". Asked by one Trash reporter if Trump had ever engaged in other unconventional sexual acts, he explained how he had come to acquire his trademark hairstyle, before muttering the name 'Sean Hannity' thirteen times under his breath.

He then pointed at a woman and said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, wait, wrong president." Asked about his sex life as Councillor-in-Chief, DoNaldé Trump stated: "I know positions. I have all the positions. All our positions are being stolen by Chi-na and Rush-a. We're gonna bring our positions back. You know, I've been working these past weeks with some amazing people, wonderful people, to fill all the slots in my administration. Now I've got a great staff, a massive staff, and I'm gonna get them all to come with my great staff."

When incorrectly informed by the intelligence agencies (not that there's much intelligence in Hampstead) that operatives were at the scene collecting evidence, Trump remarked "Stop taking the piss."

Friday, 6 January 2017

Scientology 'Not The Same As' Science, Admit SLT

Apologising profusely, but nonetheless stating that "anyone could've confused L. Ron Hubbard and Ed Win Hubble", the SLT have cancelled future speaking engagements at Hampstead originally secured by Narconon, the drugs prevention program for yung yutes funded by the Church of Scientology. Coincidentally, Narconon does not employ any scientists.

Critics have referred to Hubbard's work as "mad writings", calling galactic warlord Xenu a "fruity linguistic fabrication". Many stated, however, that they had no real problem with their children being continuously and often permanently indoctrinated, so long as it was indoctrination of the (alt)-right kind.

One student's diary, recovered from partial submersion in the 3rd floor bog by brave Trash forces, read "I have become increasingly enchanted by Scientologist ideology", and dangerously declared that "absolute control over religious fanatics is only dangerous when it isn't monetised". Perhaps owing to what the student described as the "terrifying ordeal" of an audit by the Church of Scientology, the student is reported to have expressed an irrational fear of telephones, which unconfirmed reports claim resemble the many pronged instruments of psychoanalysis often used in audits.

When asked how they'd make sure they didn't get in a bunch of nutjobs questionable individuals in to speak to the yutes, one member of the SLT said they'd "probably look it [the ten or so religious cults that get into Hampstead by disguising themselves as yute drugs-education programs every term] up or something".

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof of an article that originally appeared in the London Evening Standard.