Friday, 28 September 2018

Independence Open Day

With the fresh round of open mornings comes a fresh round of expensive adverts in the local papers (see Trash passim ad nauseum). All the schools are at it, even the ones like Hampstead that have had their budgets squeezed in the last few years, despite Headteachers saying their students are suffering without the funds.

The Ham&High no longer seem to be bothering to hide their bias when it comes to local schooling. Despite Hampstead and other local state schools advertising in their 12-page educational supplement this week, the insert was subtitled "How to choose an independent school", and qualified this with "Your guide to north London's top educators".

It's not the first time the Ham&High have ignored local comps that are doing reasonably well compared to their independent counterparts. For the last two years, the paper has lauded schools like UCS, whilst ignoring Hampstead altogether.

Buzz Bashing - Summer 2018

Right, let's get this over with.

The Head's message was expectedly brown-nosing as the most ego-appeasing thing to happen to him this year was another photo opportunity with a politician. This time it was the current Education Secretary, a man who is responsible for the continued stripping of school budgets such as, err, Hampstead's. He is also part of a government that torpedoed the funding for the school building originally planned to be built eight years ago, and cash was only dished out for the new, and cheaper, one because the old one was literally falling down. But, don't let that bother the Head. After all, senpai noticed him. In his message, the Head took the liberty of calling the Ed Sec the "Rt Hon Damian Hinds" twice, a courtesy not even the BBC affords MPs.

There was another piece detailing a visit by local MP Tulip Siddiq. The piece was far less gushing than the Head's message (nor was it attributed to any particular author). I wonder why? It may be down to the fact that, as a Labour candidate in 2013, Siddiq was pictured as being horrified at the news that Kinnan had been kicked out by the Head. In the Buzz article she was quoted as saying: "It just goes to show what young people from Hampstead and Kilburn can achieve if we give them the opportunity….." Sage words indeed.

A further piece of news that availed itself in the latest Buzz was that parents could now download the school's MyApp to keep up to date with whether their child has been sent home for some grievous uniform error. Despite the school embracing new technology, they ask that parents do not unsubscribe from their expensive email and text services as "the e-mail service is preferable". The main aim of the app, according to the article, is "to improve communication with Parents/Carers. The MyEd App [...] has shown an improvement in our partnership." That 'partnership' - terminology that makes it sound as if Hampstead had merged with a Japanese conglomerate - is one frequently and flagrantly ignored when students are sent home for one reason or another (usually uniform) without consent of their parent first, something which is morally and legally dubitable.

Whatever formatting disease the beleaguered ETC. had seems to be catching, as an article about a Language Challenge suddenly and mysteriously changed from a black font colour to a grey one, almost as if the puffier parts of the piece had been copied and pasted from promotional material...

There was a piece about the Army visiting the school, because what Hampstead really needs are more egotistical, power-hungry nutjobs at the top of chains of command. And, in a piece about returning library books, Hampstead was described once more as "a School that Reads", despite the article going on to demand students return books promptly.

Congratulations were in order, apparently, as the school had won yet another award. Yay! Oh, wait, actually it had just been re-awarded one it already had. Amazing. There was a further piece about SAM learning being "invaluable", which is only true in the sense it carries absolutely zero value to any discerning student.

There was a piece about the school's debating society right at the end, which by all accounts has not fared well over the last few years. Now taken over by a teacher (when it used to be entirely student-run, perish the thought), the article did very little to promote it, not least of which the utterly meaningless UN right quoted at the base of the piece. Whilst debating is a form that requires an ability to develop and communicate nuanced points, the piece had choice lines such as "students work in teams of four to work out the pros or cons of a particular topic"; two 'work's in one sentence, ouch!

Thursday, 30 August 2018

Results 2018

As with any year, the Trash would liked to have reported on Hampstead School's GCSE and A-Level results this year, as well as debunking some of the myths and exaggerations that the school invariably puts out, but unfortunately this year we can't.

This year the school has not uploaded any article regarding results, nor have they put out a press release. The only quote from the Head that can be found is one on the Camden website, where he called A-Level Results Day "an exciting day".

For a more in-depth analysis of how well students did, we would normally go to the Ham&High, who tend to publish the results in their paper the day after in a league table of all the schools in the area. However, since the Ham&High have largely ignored Hampstead for the past few years in favour of local private and independent schools, we have yet to find a single figure or piece of copy relating to the school and its results in either last Friday's edition or today's.

Not that school-wide results matter; as long as individual students got the grades they wanted then congratulations are in order. Hopefully this marks the first year in a long time the school stop using students' achievements to justify and market themselves.


P.S - Anyone flicking through today's Camden New Journal may not see a single mention of Hampstead, but they may see a familiar shiny face in the form of onetime-SLT, now Head of Regents High School, the orange revel himself.

Friday, 27 July 2018

School Songbook Part III

After too long without fresh chunes to sing at assemblies, we present the latest version of the Hampstead School Songbook, a secular hymnsheet for the more vocal students.

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queenan (written by Freddy Mercurmum and Brian 5-May-to-C's)
Is this the real life?
Is this just redundancy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from period 3.
Open your eyes,
Look up to the board and see,
I'm just a poor guy, I need no sympathy,
Because I'm easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Anytime the bell goes, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mama, just left my job,
Gave the finger to the head,
Sick of all the stuff he said.
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.

Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not in Glasgow this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

Too late, my time has come,
Sent shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Mama, ooh
I don't wanna leave,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Szcaramouche, Szcaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Detention and latening,
Very, very frightening, me.
(Tuna Mayo) Tuna Mayo.
(Tuna Mayo) Tuna Mayo,
Tuna Mayo Baguetto
Magnifico.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Never, never let you go
Never let me go, oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let me go.)
Szemelikowski has a blazer put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you can sack me and kiss me goodbye?
So you think you can slate me and leave me to cry?
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, and 
Nothing really matters to me.
Anytime the bell goes.

Paint It Blik by The Rolling Stoners
I see a blazer and I want it painted black.
No colors any more, I want them to turn black.
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their inappropriate clothes,
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

I see a line of kids and they're all painted black.
With flowers and my love both never to come back.
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away.
Like a new Year 7, it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black.
I see my blazer, I must have it painted black.
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black.

No more will my green quad pond turn a deeper hue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before registration comes.

I wanna see it, the New Block, painted lack
Black as night, black as coal,
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black.

Mr. Brightszide by The Killers
Coming out of back cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling her dad
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to school
And my stomach is sick
And I look like a fool
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her blazer
Now, let me go.

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control...
Jealousy, turning Heads to insanity
Swimming through sick sheggeries
Choking on your cookies
But it's just the price I pay
Reception is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside.

Our rendition of Rolf Harris's 'Tie Me Year 7 Down, Sport' was redacted by our editors as it was seen as inappropriate and in bad taste, as if that has ever stopped us before.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Where Are They Now?

Despite many successful faces adorning the English Block walls of students who have escaped the clutches of Hampstead School to go on to find pastures new, whether that be Uxbridge University or UEA, some students have gone missing from those walls over the years. So, for a select few students who have left Hampstead in the time the Trash has been posting, we ask: where are they now?

Sylvia Ryver-Raine - studied Media, English Lit and Psychology at A-Level, before going on to study Sociology with a minor in Anglo Norse and Celtic Studies at Warwick. After graduation became a policy advisor on the various uses of old crisp packets in the Green Party. Sylvia is now a special advisor for Progress.

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong - studied Classics, Law and Latin at A-Level, before going on to study History of Art at Oriel College, Oxford. He is now working as a parliamentary private secretary for his godfather, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Martyn Reit van Woolley III - studied Media, Film Studies and Interpretive Dance at A-Level. He is currently on his fifth consecutive gap year, after "consciously uncoupling" from the notion of a university education, after failing to gain a place three years in a row. He is currently touring Bali spreading venereal diseases under the guise of charity work ("giving back to the locals").

Preston Mongomery Saddleton - studied Mathematics, Further Mathematics and Physics at A-Level, before going on to study Economics at St Andrews and a further masters from the LSE. Having spent a few years in the Institute for Fiscal Studies, Preston was swept up to become a Tory MP for Penistone and Stocksbridge and was swiftly promoted to the front bench as Minister for the Middle Classes, who are famously underrepresented by the Conservatives.

Marcus Kengtun - retired to his father's ranch in Kampi-Ya-Chumvi, Kenya, to oversee the production of the family company's luxury coffee beans. Often confused with hot mud Kenco coffee, Kengtun hosts many A-list celebrities such as Madonna (when she's not it Malawi), the Sultan of Brunei and Dappy from N Dubz, where they have coffee tastings that are said to "last all night" because "everyones absolutely wired".

Abdulsmith Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithson Van Smyth - studied Egyptology, Advanced Tutting and The Concept of Silence at A-Level, before going on to discover Jesus, change his name to Adam Smith and get a job at the local mechanic's. He now spends his weekends by Kilburn Market shouting prayers and hymns over a loudhailer at a delegation from the local mosque.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, none of the alumnus above are real, although we really wish they were.