Monday, 17 October 2016

Hampstead, Unplugged

Over the next week, as half-term approaches, Hampstead's entire network is to enter a state of 'withdrawal' (Ed - read here as the state of being completely unavailable), as technicians begin the lengthy process of relocating several hundred sluggish RM machines, the five or so Macs that have survived the frequently realised destructive potential of rogue Year 7s and an unknown quantity of floppy disks, believed by many to contain instructions for an illicit install of Counterstrike 1.6.

Once the network goes down, life at Hampstead will no longer feature what we at the Trash consider to be essential trappings of an East Cricklewood education; SIMS registers, annoying pop ups, dodgy YouTube videos, and Sixth Formers 'relieving' themselves in the library. Moreover, if Abdi in Year 7 is unable to get his good i-Behaves for the next two weeks, an irreversible shift in the karmic balance of the universe could occur, leaving thousands of trans-dimensional holidaymakers stranded.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

Tearful Head's Public Breakup With Old School Building

In a series of assemblies throughout the week, Headteacher Jaqyeezzybreezy Szmeloncolee has, with the eloquence and grace of an old brass door knob, ventured into the murky waters of "history" and "culture", (repeatedly) delivering a lively and animated review of the architectural history of Hampstead School.

Unfazed by the deadpan stares of his various audiences, the Head, pausing only to wipe the tears of nostalgia from his eyes, has consistently pressed on, his extensive reliance on photographs of things that students see pretty much every day only usually becoming apparent after the 13th crop shot of the "delightful angled slope of brick steps" normal people students call the Pyramid Stairs.

In a largely successful attempt to "lubricate the wheels of logic", Szmeloncolee cited a record-breaking 976 separate sources, the most notable among them a rain-soaked rag of newspaper, reportedly extracted from an English classroom. According to calculations by the newly-christened Department for Faked Statistics and Outright Fabrications, during the chicken shop zeitgeist of 2011, Hampstead Students consumed 16.9 tons of Sam's "product", roughly 1200% more than originally predicted by SLT analysts in the 1967 "Summer Of Doves".

After twenty minutes of illusory speaking, the Head's quickly mumbled footnotes typically mentioned the refurbishment and subsequent repurposing of the Science Block as "general purpose classrooms", in addition to various expected disruptions as a result of said refurbishment, not that there has been enough disruption recently, the calming sonic ambiance of industrial construction machinery apparently unnoticed by the Head. The Head's seminal Little Rzed Bzook becomes especially relevant here, in particular his ingenious expression of Jung's duality of man; "I can display empathy, but not yet". Jaqyyyy Szemlorockbeach, a man of few words.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Giant Plague Flea is Newest 'Pupil' at Hampstead School

A giant plague flea is the latest addition to Hampstead, taking the place of the traditional pet tadpole in a bottle of Boost.

Giant plague-infected flea Pt. Er Hooke, fondly referred to by students as "Hooky", feeds almost exclusively off the oxygen-rich blood of Year 7s. Language Dept. teachers have confirmed that its increasingly frantic screeches are a call for larger and larger portions of Sam's born, Sam's bred pidgeon-based-chicken-substitute, widely believed to sustain the repair of the flea's thick exoskeleton.

Originally designed by various flippant IT students on Photoszhop, the "flea project" was eagerly adopted by new-spec Biology teachers, who "appreciated the opportunity to demonstrate conceptual biosynthesis in the real world".

Shortly before falling into Hampstead's brand-new Flea Birthing Pool, Abdi claimed to have witnessed a SLuT rapturously disrobing before "zooting up" as Hampstead's soon-to-be-world-famous giant plague flea. We are unable to verify Abdi's claim, but request that anybody with any relevant information speaks to their local representative of the Church of The Giant Plague Flea.

The Head, although unavailable for comment, reportedly described the bloody trail of corpses left by the flea as "a shining example of progress", adding that "most other school's couldn't do this".

DISCLAIMER: This article is, contrary to the overwhelming deluge of scientific facts cited, a spoof.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Students Who Leave For Sixth Form to Be Fined

Students who move schools for Sixth Form could be fined, as part of controversial new measures to combat reliance on external applicants to populate open evenings.

In one of many of a series of eagerly awaited speeches, the Head vowed to punish students who flee East Cricklewood for the excitement and bright lights of regions like West Cricklewood, as doing so is paramount to harming the school through "malicious departure".

Citing "regional proverbs about fly-catching and KA", the Head also announced a £40m budget renewal for Hampstead's former UCranium Enrichment Programme, which in cooperation with Hampstead's ecology project paid students to look "happy and alive" in photographs. However such incentives are only to benefit those who "demonstrate newly invigorated loyalty to the party school", as post-GCSE, students will be required to repeat at least 2 years of Sixth Form, those failing to do so being required to hand in their achievement badges and "cough up some dough", Senior Leader Szmellysolventskowski said.

However, the proposed ban on "shopping around" prompted swift criticism from the Badman's Mandem's Association (BMA), which said Mr Szmetakebackcontrolkowski should tackle the underlying reasons for students opting to move to other ends.

Dr Abdi, the BMA’s council chair, said: “Demotivated, bunned-out students who don’t want to be in their lessons will not be good for the 5 year trend.”

Up to 210 Students leave Hampstead every year, attracted by cheaper cookies, highly subsidised Sam’s chicken and in some cases the mere semblances of actual extracurricular activities. This figure is expected to rise some "50 or something percent" by 2020.

Prior to his closing remarks, the Head is said to have revealed a "big red telephone", waving it above his disembodied head as he emphasised that he was "always willing to give other schools a ring", particularly when it could jeopardize a student's "academic career". 

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, both on goverment NHS policy and Hampstead's recruitment tactics.

Monday, 3 October 2016

Trashing The Hampstead Brand

Hampstead's logo is on everything. Well, nearly everything. Like a parasitic insect, it plagues every item of party literature official poster in Hampstead - every piece of paper that dares place itself on any of a number of asbestos-ridden display boards. Like the Head's trademark smile-grimace as it drifts through a classroom, it rarely needed or wanted, and unashamedly represents deeper systemic problems.

The problem is that Hampstead's management seeks an entirely uniform learning experience, in spite of the fact that (despite teacher departures) Hampstead teaches a range of subjects; they seek to impose upon students an experience where the Head's word is as tiredly propagated in PE lessons as it would be in a Maths lesson. Instead of trusting departments to properly educate pupils with the aid of any subject specific schemes and lesson formats they may choose to implement, the Head, in what little time he doesn't spend formulating tired analogies for assemblies on 'progress', doles out obtrusive policies that have, as we have repeated many times, nothing to do with learning.

The logo represents the SLT's apparent desire for school-wide unity through experiencing the harsh reality of mismanagement. It cannot be convincingly argued, for example, that the Head is genuinely more aware of the requirements for a good English lesson, than, who knows, an English teacher. Why, then, do the overwhelming majority of the Head's 'initiatives' (see Trash passim) seem to be based upon the false premise that the Head is both aware of and in tune with what happens in classrooms for the 59 minutes of each lesson he does not witness? As displayed by the Head's stonewall approach to this blog, as well as to any and all dissenting opinions, he must either believe that he is aware of and in tune with the true nature of learning as it occurs at Hampstead, or that such an awareness is an unnecessary burden upon a Headteacher such as himself.