Saturday, 21 July 2018

In Cahoots

On Friday 20 July, the Ham and High reported that "the £18.5 million expansion of Hampstead School has been officially opened by education secretary Damian Hinds".

Readers may recall that the Head is no stranger to inviting Government to walk all over him, as previously noted here. But of course such an experienced negotiator as our very own Headteacher wouldn't engage in such ceremonies did it not serve to satisfy his own thirst for publicity, even if it goes against what he has said about his school and the education system. Make no mistake about it, these publicity exchanges are exactly that, calculated exchanges for mutual benefit, political and personal.

A virtual tour of the new school buildings, complete with authentic 
silhouette students in a variety of authentic poses.

What's more, such exchanges afford opportunities for proclamations which, while not false, are misleading.

The Ham & High article.
"Hampstead can now boast", but should it? The new "super block" building actually has fewer classrooms than the old building, has only one canteen to the old one's four and was opened roughly 5 years late. "These new facilities allow sports, games, and more in a modern environment" - largely just as they could in the old building - the old school building had an outdoor astro-turf pitch, two basketball courts (as there are now, the only difference being that the astro-turf is somewhat larger) and a sports hall. 

Criticism should not miss Damian Hinds either, the man who has quietly continued the Conservatives' bonkers education policies on academies and grammars. Hinds opined in the article: "It was a great privilege to come here and open these fantastic new facilities," when it was his department and his government that originally cut the funding for a better, more well-thought-through project in 2010.

Friday, 20 July 2018

Last Three Years of Current Affairs ‘One Big Joke’ say World Leaders

By W. Ishful and P. A. Ranoia

Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, possible nuclear Armageddon, the Fifa corruption scandal, the snap 2017 election, the Greek debt crisis, the Panama Papers, and everything else that has happened in the past three years have all been one big practical joke according to world leaders.

The UN today confirmed that has happened in international relations from April 2015 has been one big prank to give 7 billion people “a little bit of a scare.” In a statement, the UN said that they had wanted to reveal the ruse in April 2020, making it the world’s largest April Fool’s, but had to bring the announcement forward due to fears that Donald Trump “wouldn’t be able to keep his trap shut for any longer.”

The plan had allegedly been masterminded by ex-Secretary General and known prankster Ban Ki Moon, with help from Rupert Murdoch, Mark Zuckerberg and, of course, Goldman Sachs. According to Mr. Moon, global leaders had “gotten bored with standard politics” and wanted to “spice things up a bit.” Codenamed Project Illuminati Is Real, the project quickly garnered support from the real world leaders working behind the scenes all this time: Hilary Clinton, the real US president, Sajid Javid, the real UK Prime Minister and Vladimir Putin, still undoubtedly the President of Russia.

According to early reports, the world will go back to the way things were in 2015 on the 1st July, just in time for the Summer Holidays; iPhones will still cost less than £1,000, Prince Harry will still be a raucous bachelor, Donald Trump will return to being a failing businessman, everyone will think Kanye West is just another rapper and not a prize chump, and we will all be able to moan about our red passports.

Or, this could be part of an even more elaborate ruse.  I guess we will never know…

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Fruity Language - 1 of your 5-a-day

Research into swearing by a neuroscientist has revealed it "soothes the brain and even relieves pain."

Despite the Head's ongoing aversion to language of a salacious nature, Emma Byrne argues that swearing at and around students is essential to their education, as it helps them understand language and the emotions that follow from it. "We try to keep strong language away from kids until they know how to use it effectively. I would strongly argue that we should revise this attitude. Talking honestly about why people swear helps to demystify not just the words, but also the emotions of the people around them," the researcher is quotes as saying in the Sunday Times.

The researcher has now called for swearing to become an acceptable part of a person's daily life, even if they are a child, and that students should be taught how to use swear words properly. This is in stark contrast to Jacques SzaysomethingI'mgivinguponyoukowski's public zero-tolerance towards swearing, as it is usually directed at him.

All this means is that the next time you are caught out saying something beyond the realm of the SLT's PG newspeak, simply say that all you are doing is educating yourself and your peers in the use of language and the emotions attached to it.

Friday, 8 June 2018

Test Match Specials

After a fruitless winter tour to the other side of the world – South London – the Hampstead cricket team had their first home games of the season against a touring side from Pakistan. The first of the two test matches were played at (Gay)Lord’s, home of the highly influential MCC (Mandem Cricket Club). This ended in a comprehensive loss for Hampstead, as the captain Abdi Root won the toss, but making a mess of it prematurely after hearing the word head called by the opposing captain. The umpire believed Root called for Hampstead to bat, but he clarified in post-match press conferences that he was just calling the opposing captain a battyman. Regardless, Hampstead had to bat, where Abdi Cook, Abdi Root, Abdi Bairstow and Abdi Stokes all disappointed. The touring side did very well, with this attributed to the extra time they had spent getting used to North London conditions, eating plenty of Sam’s and drinking solely KA or Boost in the lead up to the games.

After this, they headed up north, to Redpitch, where there were works ongoing on the new stand between the red pitch and the brawl fighting pitch. Here, Hampstead were much improved, after much press criticism, with ex-captain Abdi Vaughan submitting some mad writings and fruity language in his role as a columnist for famous broadsheet The Sunday ETC, calling for Hampstead star bowler Abdi Broad to be dropped, who in turn responded by taking plenty of wickets in the match. Famed cricket commentator Abdi Boyd-cott said that Hampstead had underperformed by not beating the Pakistani touring side in both games, as many of them were fasting for Ramadan and would therefore be weaker with less energy. When another member of the media suggested this might be racist, he shook his head before walking away muttering about political correctness going mad.

After this, Hampstead play the team from down under-the-river, in some one-day games, because the cricketing public in the school no longer have the attention span for Test cricket after developing addictions to Boost.

DISCLAIMER: Only one Trash writer actually cares about cricket and insisted upon writing this spoof. Apologies from all the rest of us at the Trash for subjecting you to this.

Wednesday, 23 May 2018

School Council Minister Resigns Over Immigration Scandal

Last week Hampstead School was rocked as Cllr. Abdina Rudd resigned after having "inadvertently misled the [Chicken] Select Committee [...] on the issue of illegal immigration".

The scandal originally came to light when it emerged that the Sent Home Office had shredded documents that gave legal scholarship to 500 students from the West Quad who were shipped over to the East decades ago in order to rebuild infrastructure in the East after the Second Whitefield War.

West Quad immigrants arrived up to 70 years ago aboard the SS New Block as welcomed guests to their 'Motherland'. Due to the nature and necessity of their arrival, official documentation was not required and many were later given special passports. However, since 2009, many of the so-called New Block generation have been denied access back into the East Quad due to the Border Force System declaring they have no right to stay. This extends to many citizens in the East Quad who have been dismissed from their cookie selling jobs and denied access to the services like the New Humanities Section (NHS).

When questioned by the Chicken Select Committee, Cllr. Rudd was asked if her office had targets for the removal of illegal students in general, but the councillor denied this. It later emerged that the councillor had in fact sent letters to the Head, Jaques Szaintkittsandtheneviskowski, detailing plans to increase the forced removal of illegal students (which wrongly included those New Block citizens) by 10% in an extension of her predecessor's policy of creating a "hostile environment" for illegal KS3 students in the East Quad.

Such controversy and cover-up had led to Cllr. Rudd being ostracised by colleagues and the Head. Following mounting pressure from the Opposition Leader Cllr. Abdi Corbyn and Shadow Minister for Exclusions Cllr. Abdi Abbot, the East Quad government official resigned.

Pressure over the scandal now falls on the Headteacher, who started the process of the "hostile environment" policy 8 years ago as predecessor to Cllr. Rudd. In the meantime, a new Secretary has been appointed in the form of Cllr. Abdi Javid, pictured below:

Cllr. Abdi Javid pictured on his first day (probably by his mum. Aren't Y7s cute?).
Note the special blue tie to show how important he is in comparison to us peasant red tie wearers...

DISCLAIMER: Calling Cllr. Javid 'Abdi' is not a racialist thing; we call everyone Abdi, as do their mothers.