Thursday, 30 August 2018

Results 2018

As with any year, the Trash would liked to have reported on Hampstead School's GCSE and A-Level results this year, as well as debunking some of the myths and exaggerations that the school invariably puts out, but unfortunately this year we can't.

This year the school has not uploaded any article regarding results, nor have they put out a press release. The only quote from the Head that can be found is one on the Camden website, where he called A-Level Results Day "an exciting day".

For a more in-depth analysis of how well students did, we would normally go to the Ham&High, who tend to publish the results in their paper the day after in a league table of all the schools in the area. However, since the Ham&High have largely ignored Hampstead for the past few years in favour of local private and independent schools, we have yet to find a single figure or piece of copy relating to the school and its results in either last Friday's edition or today's.

Not that school-wide results matter; as long as individual students got the grades they wanted then congratulations are in order. Hopefully this marks the first year in a long time the school stop using students' achievements to justify and market themselves.


P.S - Anyone flicking through today's Camden New Journal may not see a single mention of Hampstead, but they may see a familiar shiny face in the form of onetime-SLT, now Head of Regents High School, the orange revel himself.

Friday, 27 July 2018

School Songbook Part III

After too long without fresh chunes to sing at assemblies, we present the latest version of the Hampstead School Songbook, a secular hymnsheet for the more vocal students.

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queenan (written by Freddy Mercurmum and Brian 5-May-to-C's)
Is this the real life?
Is this just redundancy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from period 3.
Open your eyes,
Look up to the board and see,
I'm just a poor guy, I need no sympathy,
Because I'm easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Anytime the bell goes, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mama, just left my job,
Gave the finger to the head,
Sick of all the stuff he said.
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.

Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not in Glasgow this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

Too late, my time has come,
Sent shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Mama, ooh
I don't wanna leave,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Szcaramouche, Szcaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Detention and latening,
Very, very frightening, me.
(Tuna Mayo) Tuna Mayo.
(Tuna Mayo) Tuna Mayo,
Tuna Mayo Baguetto
Magnifico.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Bismillah! We will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Never, never let you go
Never let me go, oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let me go.)
Szemelikowski has a blazer put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you can sack me and kiss me goodbye?
So you think you can slate me and leave me to cry?
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, and 
Nothing really matters to me.
Anytime the bell goes.

Paint It Blik by The Rolling Stoners
I see a blazer and I want it painted black.
No colors any more, I want them to turn black.
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their inappropriate clothes,
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.

I see a line of kids and they're all painted black.
With flowers and my love both never to come back.
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away.
Like a new Year 7, it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black.
I see my blazer, I must have it painted black.
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black.

No more will my green quad pond turn a deeper hue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before registration comes.

I wanna see it, the New Block, painted lack
Black as night, black as coal,
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black.

Mr. Brightszide by The Killers
Coming out of back cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling her dad
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to school
And my stomach is sick
And I look like a fool
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her blazer
Now, let me go.

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control...
Jealousy, turning Heads to insanity
Swimming through sick sheggeries
Choking on your cookies
But it's just the price I pay
Reception is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside.

Our rendition of Rolf Harris's 'Tie Me Year 7 Down, Sport' was redacted by our editors as it was seen as inappropriate and in bad taste, as if that has ever stopped us before.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Where Are They Now?

Despite many successful faces adorning the English Block walls of students who have escaped the clutches of Hampstead School to go on to find pastures new, whether that be Uxbridge University or UEA, some students have gone missing from those walls over the years. So, for a select few students who have left Hampstead in the time the Trash has been posting, we ask: where are they now?

Sylvia Ryver-Raine - studied Media, English Lit and Psychology at A-Level, before going on to study Sociology with a minor in Anglo Norse and Celtic Studies at Warwick. After graduation became a policy advisor on the various uses of old crisp packets in the Green Party. Sylvia is now a special advisor for Progress.

Maximilian Oscar-Oolong - studied Classics, Law and Latin at A-Level, before going on to study History of Art at Oriel College, Oxford. He is now working as a parliamentary private secretary for his godfather, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Martyn Reit van Woolley III - studied Media, Film Studies and Interpretive Dance at A-Level. He is currently on his fifth consecutive gap year, after "consciously uncoupling" from the notion of a university education, after failing to gain a place three years in a row. He is currently touring Bali spreading venereal diseases under the guise of charity work ("giving back to the locals").

Preston Mongomery Saddleton - studied Mathematics, Further Mathematics and Physics at A-Level, before going on to study Economics at St Andrews and a further masters from the LSE. Having spent a few years in the Institute for Fiscal Studies, Preston was swept up to become a Tory MP for Penistone and Stocksbridge and was swiftly promoted to the front bench as Minister for the Middle Classes, who are famously underrepresented by the Conservatives.

Marcus Kengtun - retired to his father's ranch in Kampi-Ya-Chumvi, Kenya, to oversee the production of the family company's luxury coffee beans. Often confused with hot mud Kenco coffee, Kengtun hosts many A-list celebrities such as Madonna (when she's not it Malawi), the Sultan of Brunei and Dappy from N Dubz, where they have coffee tastings that are said to "last all night" because "everyones absolutely wired".

Abdulsmith Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithson Van Smyth - studied Egyptology, Advanced Tutting and The Concept of Silence at A-Level, before going on to discover Jesus, change his name to Adam Smith and get a job at the local mechanic's. He now spends his weekends by Kilburn Market shouting prayers and hymns over a loudhailer at a delegation from the local mosque.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, none of the alumnus above are real, although we really wish they were.

Managerial Types and Blood Sucking Parasites "Share a Common Ancestor", Scientists say

Scientists at the Department for Things and Stuff have discovered that Management are descended from the same creature that fathered all the blood-sucking parasites known to man.

The findings came after researchers, working out of a unit funded by the Institute for Pointless Studies, studying leeches and the same mosquitos that carry malaria discovered that had certain characteristic traits, such as "micro-managing other parasite's blood-sucking", "delegating all their blood sucking to other, more capable animals" and "having a sense of self-purpose beyond their evolutionary function."

The scientists, studying a sample of middle management who had nothing better to do on a Wednesday morning, have also managed to isolate 'prick' genes, which are said to be "sandwashed, very tight, with not enough pockets." It was also revealed that managerial types share 99.9% of their DNA with blood-sucking parasites, as well as 87% with white elephants and 69% with yOuR mUm.

In a statement, one of the scientists working on the project, Dr. Doublé-Barrell, said of the findings: "we could have guessed this."


DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, however there is strong evidence to suggest that middle management originate in Hell, are the spawn of demons and have been sent forth ahead of the apocalypse to familiarise us with ritualised suffering.

Monday, 23 July 2018

A Critique of the East Block

Now the new Hampstead School "super block" has been officially opened by ex-Kumquat and alleged glue-sniffer Damian 'Ed Sec' Hinds, in true Trash style, we're going to ridicule it to show you the cesspool that it is.

With so much hideously wrong and deserving of ridicule, just where do you begin? The school promised - I paraphrase, of course - that the new building would be a state-of-the-art monument to "good" schools everywhere, with high-end (i.e. functioning) equipment. On almost every level except the imaginary, this projection is proving false. (What a surprise... -Ed.)

Take the toilets, for instance. Those places for students to have a bit of privacy, to re-apply makeup, play 'money-up', have a w**k , trade vintage motivational banners, comment on each others body parts  the list goes on. However, it has become apparent that this is impossible. For a start, there is no main door. Any passerby can see straight down the row of sinks to the end of the antechamber where a large window, non-frosted, sits for all to see through. Thankfully, one cannot see into the cubicles. However, just from this description, a multitude of issues have arisen. Firstly, privacy: I know the school is run like a madhouse but taking away the closed area that are toilets is going a bit far, even by their standards. The Stazi-esque searching of students in the school yard is tolerable, but not whilst trying to squeeze one out between periods. Secondly, a lack of mirrors removes the ability for students to address their personal needs, such as the upkeep of their wavey garms and on-fleek hair. It should also be mentioned that at break and lunch students in Years 7-11 are banned from being on the upper two floors as well as the ex-science, now maths, 'South block'. This means that during break and lunch 6 cubicles for boys and girls respectively are shared between 1120 pupils plus a large number of sixth formers.

Exhibit A - cubicles and sink on right-hand side.
Only half-people are allowed to use these.
The Hall. That room you see once a week for a drab assembly about nothing relevant whatsoever and even if it is, it's watered down to the comprehension levels of a two-year-old. It would seem that this room is sponsored by TfL with seats that, let's face it, look and feel like a bus stop bench. Whilst the school may have a responsibility to promote healthy eating, slimming down the seats to force you to fit in them doesn't seem like the best way. In addition to the lack of suitable seating, there seems to be a distinct lack of a stage. A lone piano sits in the corner, and the Head's Podium of Triumph stands at the foot of the staggered seating. It has to be said that it looks ever so slightly ridiculous when you sit at the top and look down upon a member of the Sexual Liasons Team standing awkwardly at the bottom of the room (see below). It must also be added that the once infamous Ecology Area is no more. To the right of the hall is a pathway, where students once expressed their s****y hippie tendencies.

Exhibit B: The New Hall

Rapidly moving on again (we have a lot to cover, unfortunately) to the canteen - or as the school have decided to call it: the Restaurant. Since the abolition of Year Rooms, the entire school of ~1300 students now eats in one, single room in the same 40 minute period. To say it is chaos is an understatement. Red Army prefects - although not pictured - are often seen herding lower years into queues for what is supposed to be a faster payment system: it isn't. The canteen system as will be discussed soon, is a shambles. In addition to being a messy dining hall, the canteen is currently doubled up as two separate classrooms as well as a temporary common room for sixth formers. Having sunk £50k into it recently with the canteen remaining just as pisspoor (see Trash passim), the school seems to be saddled with this planning and design mistake for the foreseeable future.

Exhibit C: Restaurant My Arse
(Disclaimer: This is the canteen prior to its refurbishment but is more or less accurate of the current look)

As a carry on from the canteen, the one thing that cannot go unmentioned is the one-way system. The school has had problems with one-way systems previously, when they tried to implement one in the old New Block's languages corridor. Two of the canteen’s four entrances points are not-for-use during break and lunchtime (a set of back-doors and one of three staircases). A one-way system is in place for the remaining two doors, with a single entrance and exit each. General use staircases also adhere to a one-way system. Two "up" routes are available, and one "down" staircase with it, whilst being policed (for the most part) by SLT or other teachers who are, as you can imagine, thrilled with their lunch hour. It can be understood why the school would want to try and control traffic but honestly the system is a pain, with routes being constantly changed. In particular, for those students who have a packed lunch, their entrance is changed by the day. One day they are allowed through the 'exit' doors, the next they must queue with everyone else to enter the canteen. The inefficiency of the school to formulate a coherent lunchtime strategy is a travesty.


Help get the Y7 packed lunch student into the canteen.

For the most part, the new classrooms seem "pretty decent". The new building's classrooms appear much more functional than the asbestos-ridden concrete wonder that students used to have to contend with. Decked out with new 'Clevertouch Plus' boards worth around £5,795 each, students can now draw on the screen which they totally couldn't do before. However, the classrooms seem to be logically numbered and are actually quite spacious. As ever, there is a downside and that is that the new boards' heights cannot be altered. So if you're a 5ft Year 9 student who has to sit at the back, tough luck.

Exhibit D: This could be anywhere it is so non-descript.
There are prisons with more colour than this.

The Music department by some magic has actually been improved. Notably, there are a distinct lack of used condoms lying on the floor of the practice rooms. Whilst the PE Department has been given its own separate block at the back of the school (for academic excellence? -Ed) where the house once stood (RIP in piece House 2K16), the space of the halls seems largely the same as before, suggesting the need to build a whole different block came about only because of the constraints on space in the new block that arise when you try and sandwich a building between two other buildings.

In short, whilst there may be some superficial improvements that have come with the new block, and cost-benefit analysis of the build would look at the millions of pounds spent on it and the changes and start to wonder if the money could have been put to better use.