Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Cooking with Caterlink: Meat-Subsitute Pie

Sometimes it's good to see just how far you can push the definition of "food". We hope our meat-substitute pie helps you do exactly that. 

Preparation time
However much of your time you're willing to waste chopping, smooshing and twisting this horrible dish together

Cooking Time                       Serves
34 minutes                             Whoever can get into the canteen in time.

Ingredients
One pie base - you know? The ones in the Sainsbury's down the road - on the shelf - up there - no not that one - this one's gluten free - you wouldn't want to support vegetarianism would you?

1 large carrot.

2 tbsp of fortified Boost.

500ml liquid meat substitute. 

1l pink slime.

1kg solid meat substitute. 

Either too much or too little salt, to taste.

Egg.

Freshly ground black pepper. 

Method

1.Mix the egg and the pink slime using that weird food processor you've always been told not to touch.

2. Strain the resulting mixture up to three times.

3. Add salt to taste.

4. Boil the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

5. Laugh at how Caterlink is still getting paid to serve up this sort of crap.

6. Resume your serious work with an equally serious expression — a chef must never smile.

7. Keep boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

8. Make odd and creepy remarks and noises about the juiciness of the meat.

9. Keep boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

10. Okay that's enough —  stop boiling the solid meat substitute in the liquid meat substitute.

11. Add salt to taste.

12. Put the pie stuff on the pie base(???)

13. Use the fortified Boost however you want — I'm not here to tell you what to do.

14. Serve to hungry proles.

15. Hold up carrot and say "Oh this? I never quite got round to using it. Funny how things like that work out."


DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof, and is in no way endorsed by, approved of by, affiliated with, formally or otherwise, Caterlink.

Monday, 4 September 2017

Regime "Perfects" Detention Chamber

The SLT have "perfected" a new detention chamber design, according to a recent press release. 

The "redesigned detention chamber" is said to possess "an elegant menace and strikingly beautiful torturous power, unrivaled and unparalleled, to be feared throughout all lands of this Earth". According to the press release, the detention chamber will feature audio books played at a volume "just loud enough to be irritating, but too quiet to be comprehensible in any way". Every detention chamber will feature four murals dedicated to the "noble Head of this, the finest of learning institutions", and "whichever three of the Head's SLT lapdogs manage to curry his favor at the time of the chamber's construction". When asked about whether it was appropriate for the school to reveal such key details about the inner workings of the school to the outside world, a spokesman for the Head said "the immortal structure of Hampstead's management is immune to external intervention or influence".

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

GCSE Results 2017

Normally this article contains a breakdown of the yearly results of GCSE students at Hampstead, critiquing what the school has said about them, as well as some comment about the -year-trend being 5-years-dead. However, because the school's media machine has kindly glossed over the GCSE results this year, and the Ham and High seems to be roundly ignoring the school, we have little to go on.

In usual Hampstead fashion, their press release on the subject stated that "students and staff at Hampstead School are now celebrating a very strong set of GCSE results" directly before saying that "[t]his year’s GCSE statistics are not comparable to any previous years’ results", so how they are making the claim that they are strong beyond the individual results themselves is unknown. What are also unknown are the actual results themselves. Not that anyone really cares about anything other than their own results, but we only have the school's ever-biased word to know that they are 'strong'.

The only information given over was to single out some poor students to be paraded around with their good grades (well done by the way, despite the Walrus using you as camera-fodder) and a statement that "In Mathematics and English respectively, provisional results indicate 70% and 75% achieved the new pass of Grade 4". Not only are these well within the national averages for the subjects, they are a natural progression from last year's results. But, of course, they "are not comparable".

The latest results either reflect a resilience in the students to achieve despite a national government and a school hell-bent on making their lives as hard as possible, or it is a sad indictment that more and more students are simply becoming exam machines during their school careers, rather than actually learning things.

Highgate's Other Ugly Step-Sister

No sooner had we reported on the grave error the Ham&High had made in last week's issue of leaving no mention at all of Hampstead and its A-Level students - instead favouring the private and independent schools in the area - that the latest edition of their paper came out, this time with a 'GCSE Special'. Special treatment, more like.

Whilst hacks from the local publication were happy to devote column after column to William Ellis students as their journalists doggedly followed around mildly famous Council Leader (and one time Hampstead award giver) Georgia Gould, who was visiting students that day, they were too distracted to focus on much else. As with last time, the majority of photos were of private and independent school students, with not a single cameraman bothering to go to Hampstead.

Whilst in the A-Level coverage Hampstead wasn't even mentioned by the paper, Hampstead students did get a mention this time. However, whilst many schools got their own articles attributed to them, Hampstead school had to settle for the last three paragraphs (21-23) of an article that spent the rest of the time talking about Camden's darling schools William Ellis and Camden School for Girls. This mention had all the journalistic integrity of a strawberry lace as it was copied nearly word-for-word from the press release the school had put out last week.


NOTE: Since the publication of this article, the latest edition of the other local paper - the Camden New Journal - has been released, which features a picture of high-achieving Hampstead GCSE students with their results. Et tu, Ham&High?

Friday, 1 September 2017

Highgate's Ugly Step Sister

Its not the first time we've reported on snobbishness when it comes to the Ham&High and the schools that supposedly fall into its catchment, but this year's A-Level special was a fresh reminder that Hampstead School - despite what we say about it - is seen as a lesser place than some of the local private schools in the area, or at least should garner less attention.

In last Thursday's edition, the same photo of a UCS student who will now attend Cambridge University (because Hampstead has had no Oxbridge students...) was plastered across the front page and the frontispiece for the A-Level Special section of the paper. In fact, of the 16 photos in the section, only 2 were of comprehensive school students. Of those two, not a single one was of a Hampstead student.

To make matters worse, whilst the paper took the time to report good news stories from seemingly all the schools in the area, there was not a single mention of Hampstead School - not one - in the entirety of the paper. According the Ham&High, Hampstead School and its A-Level students don't exist.

This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that the majority of the advertising in the Ham&High is for property - nay, they have an entire weekly pull-out listing the latest pads on the market. And, when it comes to choosing a property, one of the key deciding factors is proximity to outstanding schools.