Tuesday, 10 April 2018

The Canteen: Revisited

After visiting the failing eatery 'The Canteen', run by Sam Anella on behalf of investors CaterLink and trying to fix the ailing business, Ramsay revisits the restaurant a month on.

Gordon: (overdubbed) Since I was last here, and the owners of The Canteen failed to take my advice to heart and refused to change their ways. They were intent on selling sweetcorn in small cups, they were adamant that pizzas should be long and thin and many customers were disgruntled when their jelly desserts kept getting smaller and smaller. I had no option but to walk away. Without changing their ways, business has hit an all time low.

[Gordon walks up to closed shutters and knocks on them.]

Gordon: No answer. Last week my team, as well as all those that had depended on The Canteen for lunch, received news that the leaseholders of The Canteen, Hampstead Inc., were removing CaterLink from the plot and closing the place down. Hampstead hopes to reopen the doors to The Canteen after Easter, but who will run it remains unknown.

I have nineteen restaurants open at this moment and sixteen Michelin stars to my name, but I wouldn't open a twentieth here, and I don't know anyone that would. This place has all the ambience of a ****ing mortuary.

[Shot of sad dinnerladies throwing old pizza husks out in large black bin liners, followed by a tiny bag filled with all their jellies, as sad music plays in the background.]

Gordon: The school has promised new furniture, a new menu and a new, healthier outlook in the eatery, but is it all too late?

[Gordon ducks to avoid a passing flurry of bats that come out of a ceiling panel, sidesteps a tuna pasta bake on the floor and storms out.]

Monday, 9 April 2018

Hampstead Home Cooking: Planet Pizza

Fresh from the avant-garde of human dining, Planet Pizza - a Hampstead Home Cooking First has been called a "daring excursion into the emerging field of non-edible food" and "a potentially revolutionary solution to growing plastic disposal problems".

Preparation time
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".

Cooking Time                       Serves
2hrs                                       Anyone who's tetanus shots are up to date.

Access to a Landfill,
A Shovel,
A Wheel-Barrow,
The Palette of Esteemed German Food Critic Vanders Klein,
Planetary Matter (to be Gathered),
50 Plastic Bags,


1. Shovel dirt, soiled nappies, abandoned electronics and other waste products for hopeless hours in the sun from a landfill into a wheel-barrow.

2. Get your army of slaves to take the wheel-barrow to your car.

3. Sit down in the driver's seat and have the slaves pour the contents of the wheel-barrow all over you.

4. You are now one with the Earth.

5. Repeat steps 1 & 2, except instead of attempting to satisfy your sick desires, get your army of slaves to pour the contents of the wheel-barrow into your car boot.

6. Drive off. Crash dramatically into a lamppost on your street.

7. Get to work --- quickly! --- the police are coming.

8. Put one kilogram of planetary matter into each plastic bag.

9. Shape each plastic bag into something resembling a deep-dish pizza slice.

9. Make a kiln in someone's garden. (Not yours, you idiot!)

10. Light the kiln.

11. Bake the plastic bags for 40 minutes each.

12. Bone apple teeth.

Serving Suggestions

1. Try and look happy about it.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a spoof.

Sunday, 8 April 2018

The Last Supper (Goodbye to CaterLink)

So after roughly 10 years, countless complaints, endless empty promises by successive School Councils and untold student (and staff) frustrations, Hampstead have finally taken the plunge and gotten rid of CaterLink, who, from the 16th of April, will no longer be responsible for catering at Hampstead. (Concerning who will be responsible for catering, the letter sent home to parents is no more specific than "in-house"). Naturally, we at The Trash join with the student-staff body in being ever-so-slightly overjoyed about not having to eat whatever it is CaterLink get away with serving every day, but serious questions, like is what comes next going to be any better? and why did it take them so long? still loom.

Taking a look at the letter (see below), several things stick out:

  • "The students have a more positive experience of lunching together" -- it would be generous to call this a mistake, it's more like willful ignorance or simply a lie. The canteen is abysmal, (literally) grey, noisy and overcrowded. It's utterly miserable. It's cold because there's no heating and the doors are always being opened, and they force you to take your coats off. When someone walks out, the doors often don't fully shut, so you get gusts of wind and frequent drops in the ambient temperature to go with your cold salad. It's a hassle to find seats and it's a hassle to stop Year 7s from taking them the moment you stand up. Importantly too, previously, for those not in the know, each year had a year room exclusively for their use at lunch and break. Unless I'm seriously missing something, a single year-room-equivalent for the whole school does not make it easier for people to share their lunches and break-times with each other (i.e. most likely people in their classes, their year) than year rooms do. Really, even if certain changes are beyond their control, the school should not be allowed to claim things are getting better when they are actually getting worse.
  • "New furniture and signage to help students make healthy choices at lunchtime" -- they should probably have someone read these things before they send them out to make sure it's not complete nonsense that students are taking home to their parents. It is not clear how exactly the furniture in the Canteen could affect what students choose to eat. Even regarding the furniture itself, unless catering equipment can now be classed as "furniture", there is no new furniture to speak of in the Canteen. In fact, the tables and chairs in the Canteen are direct imports from the old school building, chewing gum encrusted underneath tabletops and all. As for making "healthy choices", the healthiest choice one can probably make at lunch is to forgo whatever Caterlink have got on offer.
  • "More healthy and flavorful options on offer - much requested by the students who were canvassed on their views via questionnaires" -- it's not like students have been expressing their dissatisfaction with Caterlink for years on end; you don't need to do a questionnaire to know that almost (probably just everybody) everybody absolutely loathes their food.
  • "There will be changes in the menu choices offered" -- this we applaud unequivocally, so long as it is for the better. Perhaps the hungry citizens of Hampstead will finally get a taste of Justice and The Good.
It remains to be seen what exactly "in-house" means (are Management planning to set themselves up with a whole other set of jobs, managing a catering company, leading double lives?), but perhaps nothing much will change: the new food could be just as bad as the old.

DISCLAIMER: This is a critical article and so is comprised of the views of the author.

Friday, 6 April 2018

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares S8 E1: 'The Canteen'

For his most recent season of the hit series Kitchen Nightmares, famed TV chef Gordon Ramsay visited Hampstead's very own CaterLink canteen. Opened just over a year ago, the Canteen has already been branded as 'inadequate', 'failing' and 'barely legal' in food hygiene standards. The Trash got an exclusive look at the script: 

Scene 1
Narrator: Tonight on Kitchen Nightmares, Chef Ramsay travels to Cricklewood, London, to try and turn around nouveau cuisine establishment that is on the verge of shutting its doors. 
Gordon: I'm amazed you've stayed open for this [BLEEP] long! 
Narrator: The owner is clueless, 
Sam Anella: I don't know why we don't have people coming through the door. We're open for a whole 40 minutes most Monday to Fridays.
Narrator: As she has no idea why The Canteen is failing. 
Gordon: You can't be this naive. 
Narrator: The food is hideous, 
Gordon: That's like baby vomit. 
Narrator: And the standards are repulsive. 
Gordon: Oh, you dirty bastards. 
Narrator: Chef Ramsay is in for an extremely difficult challenge as he is forced to deal with an owner who seems more content with shifting the blame than fixing things. 
Sam: It's not our fault, its the food we're given. We don't have enough money for proper ingredients.
Gordon: Are you out of your tiny [BLEEP]ing mind? You charge three quid for a cheese sandwich. How much money do you need?!
Narrator: Chef Ramsay tries his best to save this eatery, but it may prove to just be an impossible task. 
Gordon: What is that? [Points at a tray of 7-day old enchiladas] You're serving rotten food. They're crap.
Sam: They're not crap. They're delicious. 
Gordon: Oh my god! Wake up! Shut the place down.

Scene 2 - Day One, 10:33a.m
Narrator: Before the lunchtime service starts, Gordon sits down to sample what's on offer.
Gordon: Why are these tables sticky? And why is there a maths class happening in the background? [picks up menu] Right, let's have a look. This menu is a bit thin on the [BLEEP]ing ground. 
Narrator: As a choice of starters, The Canteen only offers a small range of hot snacks and sandwiches, and only two to three mains.
Gordon: [goes up to counter] Right, can I have the bacon roll to start?
Dinnerlady: No.
Gordon: What do you mean 'no'?
Dinnerlady: We are out of them.
Gordon: You're out of them? They're the only hot [BLEEP]ing starter on the menu. Fine, I guess I'll have to have the tuna sandwich. [Gordon is handed a tuna baguette] What is this? Why is the bread so pale? Look at it [he balls a chunk up in his hand]: it's undercooked. Are these brought in frozen? What's inside? Oh my [BLEEP]. Its just grey [BLEEP]. I can't tell what's tuna and what's [BLEEP]. Right, I'm done with that. Can I get the shepherd's pie as a main please?
Narrator: Gordon is served a slice of The Canteen's shepherd's pie, but it proves to be just as unsatisfying.
Gordon: Oh my, there's such a thick layer of potato on top. [Gordon tastes it] What is that? Are you using dehydrated potato for the topping?
Dinnerlady: We use Smash.
Gordon: You use Smash? Do you not know how to boil a potato? And the filling, it tastes like really bad beef mince. Did you use beef?
Dinnerlady: Yes.
Gordon: Then its not shepherd's pie. Shepherd's pie is made with [BLEEP]ing lamp you donkey, that's why its called 'shepherd's pie', not [BLEEP]ing cottage pie. And the gravy is watery and greasy all at the same time. It's [BLEEP]ed. I was going to get the lump of cake with thin custard for dessert but after that I can't eat anymore.

Scene 4 - Day One, 13:36p.m
Narrator: While customers in the mess area continue to eat sub-par food, Chef Ramsay's kitchen investigation intensifies.
Gordon: When were these done? [Picks up trays of Chilli 'pizzas' left on the side]
Sam: Yesterday?
Gordon: Yesterday? [BLEEP] off, Sam, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. 
Sam: (to a cook) So this was from last week.
Gordon: Of course they're from last week!
[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]
Oh my God! What's that?!
Sam: That was the ground beef.
Gordon: Ground beef?! Half of it's [BLEEP]ing fat, you idiot! It's fatter than you!
Student: (interview) I felt satisfied that finally somebody called Sam out on her [BLEEP].
[Gordon finds a bucket of beans.]
Gordon: Oh, [BLEEP]! What's that?
Sam: The beans.
Gordon: Ugh! How? It's like a cement mixer. Are you [BLEEP]ing stupid? Who's controlling this?
Sam: I am, chef.
Gordon: You are? You... are a walking disaster. You're overstaffed. Under-worked. [BLEEP] food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a [BLEEP]ing restaurant! You must be out of your goddamn mind!

Scene 7 - Day Two, 11:45a.m
Narrator: Chicken pot pie that has been stuffed with imitation meat is being sent back to the cooking area.
Sam: What's the matter with this?
Dinnerlady: She said it's not fresh; she said it's no good.
Gordon: It's [BLEEP]ing watery. 
Sam: Let me have a taste. How bad is it? [tastes it] It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! [Gordon tastes it and spits it out.] 
Gordon: Ohhhh, no! Come on! You're [BLEEP]ing delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake. It's [BLEEP]ing disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big [BLEEP]ing baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!"

Scene 8 - Day Two, 12:03a.m
Gordon: From what I've seen, its [BLEEP]ing obvious to me what's gone wrong with this place. The food is a mess. It's atrocious. I've never seen such disgusting, poorly prepared muck in my life. I wouldn't feed it to my dog, let alone a [BLEEP]ing human being. The staff couldn't give a [BLEEP] between all of them. Nobody here cares. This stuff is allowed to leave this place and go out to paying customers without a worry about quality. The decor looks like its been taken out of a mausoleum, everythings clinical, and what's this fad about serving everything on a [BLEEP]ing plastic tray? I don't know if I can help you guys. I'm beyond shocked.

[Gordon is kicked out by the owner of the Canteen, a Mr. Jacques 'fish fingers' Szemalikowski, for fruity language.]

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Head Accused of Affair with Pornstar

by April Jester, Trash Correspondent, New Block, April 1st

The Head of Hampstead School has been accused by a renowned (by all the boys in Year 9 and above) pornstar Stormy Daniels of having a two-hour romp with him one night back in 2006, when he had been in the job less than a year.

Stormy Daniels, who has since been branded 'The Beast from the East', and who bares no relation to either Paul Daniels or Stormzy, told The Trash that in the private encounter, the Head "took me into his office and made me dress up using uniform from lost property.

"He then asked me to do a series of different things that excited his various fetishes. He asked me to 'talk fruity to him', made me refer to him as a 'naughty Zaloom' and forced me to draw an anarchist symbol on his chest in board marker."

After the Head denied the accusations, saying "It couldn't have been me; I don't last that long," while Daniels did agree that "break time is not the only unsatisfyingly short thing at Hampstead", she nonetheless affirmed that she could "accurately describe the size, shape and gerth of his massive ego."

She added that whilst there she gained privileged access to secret plans in his office for a Rights' Respecting porn website, which specialised in BDSM erotica designed not to violate or degrade, something which he apparently intended her to star in.

Ms Daniels, whose real name is Windy Johnsons, says she signed an agreement to keep quiet about her claims in exchange for £6,900 in October 2016, days before the Head ran for president of the Association of School and College Leaders.

Responding to the furore, Cllr. Abdi said that "it is no surprise he made her dress as a student; he's been screwing students over for years."

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously, obviously a spoof. And if it wasn't obviously enough a spoof, then look at the date.