EXCLUSIVE: Real Leaked Minutes from School Council

Here at the Trash, we make it our job to satirise how our school works, the way it treats its students and how it and its ‘teacher’ representatives makes a mockery of itself on a daily basis. However, this week I had little to do in terms of satire, as this article pretty much wrote itself.

From an anonymous source I was handed an actual copy of the minutes from our great and bountiful School Council. These are genuinely all quotes from that document:

From item 1: ‘Use of plastic cutlery – would explore with the Caterlink the possibility of using wooden cutlery’ , ‘Separate drinks queue – tried in the past and was not successful’ and ‘In the event that students do not have enough money to buy a full meal would students be able to just get part of a meal’

Item 2: ‘_______ and ________ in their report highlighted the key areas of the work done by the School Council this academic year:

i)            Year Councils established facilitated by the Head of Year and report fed back to School Council

ii)           School meals – improvement, facilities and survey conducted with students

iii)         Recycling project supported by students – two areas identified for recycling bins

iv)          Suggestion boxes installed in each Year Room

v)           Sixth Form request for chess boards made available

vi)          Designated girls only area suggested

vii)        Discussion with visitors to the school from China on the work of the School Council

viii)      Involvement in the Black History Event – presentation and banner’

The list of mediocrity goes on. At least, ladies and gentlemen, even though all the Arts are under-budgeted, the Main Building of our school falls into disrepair, mostly any equipment of any faculty is broken without the means to replace it, there are potentially dangerous faults in the plumbing system, questionable expenses & allocation of money and an overriding care for uniform over learning, we can rest assured that, thanks to our go-getting, not-taking-no-for-an-answer school council, we may dine with wooden cutlery, look forward to games of chess, enjoy gender-based segregation and a banner extolling black people.

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article has been written to critique the actions of the governing bodies of the school. This is so student readers can hear both sides of the argument, and formulate their own opinions on matters pertaining to their education.