Thursday, 16 May 2013

CRACKDOWN ON DOUGHNUT SELLING; CARTELS MOVE TO COOKIES AS VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT

Following the implementation of a school-wide 'Doughnut Ban', an attempt to restrict the Doughnut black market, and a way to make CaterLink some more dough by allowing them to be the sole Doughnut sellers, the Cartels have moved back to the original sale of Cookies, helping the Journalists (still using that term generously) here at The Trash by giving us some nice Alliteration.

Cookies became popular with the Cartels in 2008, a simpler time where Duffy and Scouting For Girls ruled the airwaves, and the first Iron Man film had just been released. Sainsbury's were hit by a wave of Year 7 to 11s buying cookies and selling them for a profit, for their own reasons, be it money for Match Attax, PS3/Xbox games or Marijuana as you progress through the years. Dominant sellers formed gangs, which became Cartels, bribing President Admiral General Szmelkjdfkjgvfdyfgikowski and his Senior Ludo Team (S.L.U.T.S.). Now they make up the core product of the vicious and, as we saw today, violent Cartels that hold the power on Baked goods.

According to reports, the fights stemmed from two opposing factions disagreeing over the ownership of a single choc-chip cookie (the type of cookie has not yet been confirmed by Reuters). The fight recorded by a fellow keen reporter, and below is the recording of what ensued.

Now that's taking the biscuit.


video video
The way the cookie crumbles: A fight breaks out between
two members of different cartels over a single cookie.

(Disclaimer: We apologise if anyone's face was featured in the video.)


We hear arrests have been made, and CSI Science Block have cordoned off the area to investigate what kind of cookie the fight was over (getting the vital information, as always). Rumours have it Superintendent Davda and Chief Inspector Harvey will not press charges if it is over a Triple Chocolate cookie, as we all know how good they are. However, any other cookie and the perpetrators are looking at some serious IEU time.

5 comments:

  1. This is one of my biggest stories yet, if i get more vids, do i get more cookies ?

    ReplyDelete
  2. we here at the trash believe that a complimentary endorsement is a means of paying our reporters. you will receive a level 3 iBehave in the post in a couple of days.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am confuzzed. Donuts or doughnuts? If it is the former, then I despair at the debasement of our once-superlative education system, which has sadly been overrun by illiterate Yanks. Long live Comrade Gove!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is doughnuts. Thats why donuts isn't in this article. "confuzzed" what the fuck is that? You cant use comrade as to refer to that cock Gove. you're not funny or endearing you great big cuntflap.

      Delete
    2. Yes, my fellow Daily Mail reader, and ardent guarder of grammar on MailOnline comments, let us spread our glorious Right-Wing Capitalist Euroseptic ways! Long Live Cameron, RIP The Iron Lady!

      Delete

DON'T GET OVERLY GASSED.