Thursday, 11 July 2013

Sport Editor Reports from Sports Day

Johnson 'The Rubber Johnny' Johnston reports:

The air was thick with sweat, tension and smoke from the back of the bike shed as the games began. Kicking off with the 100m sprint, the event was quickly ridiculed by right-wing school councillors; Oscar Oolong, already steaming on Aldi replacement Pimms, audibly remarking "Well of course the Kenyan won!"
By elevensies, cheap replacement strawberries and cream (strawberry laces and milk) had been dished out amongst the crowd, and for the first time in 76 years someone who actually went to Hampstead, Handy Flurray (year 9), had won the tennis.

By lunch time it wasn't just the athletes that had the runs; with a mix-up in the kitchens and curry powder being put into everything, there was a sudden surge of use of the toilets. The plumbing was clogged up, which led to the postponing of the swimming, as it wasn't just the contestants floating in the pool.

With the day coming to an end, partly because the Head's 'impromptu' and always unwelcome speech ran over by two hours, the last event of the day was the hurdles. In first place came Abdi, then Abdi and Abdi in 3rd. Oscar Oolong (by this point finishing his 3rd bottle of Aldi's Pimms) was heard after home time slurring: "Of course they are good at hurdles! They're used to jumping over Border Fences!"

One of the sources of Oscar
Oolong's hysteria
Boy Falls

DISCLAIMER: This Hampstead Trash article is a spoof, that uses crude humour to satirise the faults, flaw and misdoings of the school.