Head Buys New Benches

Recently, fresh benches have been introduced to the Hampstead School Bench Reserve. These benches, untainted by the hardships of being sat on and having pretentious Banksy-ites write "VOTE UKIP" on them, are clearly much more orange and clean than the already existing benches. As a result, experts are concerned as to the benches continued existence around not only other benches, but student also.

Fears have arisen as the proposed seating arrangements have been weathered by the torrent of posteriors passing not only the seats, but the table part of the benches. This is to blame for the disfigurement of the current benches.

When asked if he enjoyed eating off where someone had rubbed their crack, Abdi, year eight, told us "at least it has more vitamins than the school dinners, fam". He went on to say "to be honest, I'd sooner eat off nature's pocket than eat that rancid crap".

The Trash is not at all concerned in its findings. After all, what are benches for other than sitting? It's not like anyone's soiling themselves on the eating area.

A day after the new benches had been put in place, and they
had already been christened with graffiti genitals.