Saturday, 5 July 2014

Y12 Induction Review - "Why?"

As is tradition of this blog (i.e this has been done before), the annual Year 12 induction week bears reviewing. We aren't sure why, there's less to talk about than a mute with no personality. The week (that was only three days, because this is a school that can count) started with a two hour assembly, which no child should have to endure. The death toll for this specific assembly was 12, the coroner reporting 'boredom' being the cause of each and every one. Gleaned from the assembly were the 'privileges' Hampstead Sixth Form can offer, listed below:
  • Stairs
  • A door
  • Chairs
  • Tables
  • Being shouted at by the Librarian (some things never change)
Team building ensued afterwards, and involved mostly running around school looking for wifi (as a friendly Year 11 to explain that one to you). All those predicted the highest grades possible for A-Level were put together in a team, consisting of The Face (who is one of two to cover The Head), Hannibal,  H.M. "Howling Mad Writings" Murdock and Stereotypical Black Man. All the poles were then grouped together, and set to work on the construction of the new building, giving a who new meaning to 'Team Building'.

Sample lessons begat summer work, which ruined the otherwise workless holidays of Year 11's. On the final day the tutor periods were predictably useless; time which could have been used more productively in activities such as Fox Farming or knitting kimonos for the poor. A special guest speaker for the end of the induction was the creator of Mumsnet, who many of the audience could empathise with, what with already being mothers themselves. Giving sound advice, she said "If you are 16 and your child is a quarter of your age, something at some point has gone wrong."

She was, unfortunately, booted offstage by the Head as soon as she began inundating his students with leftist propaganda about 'freedom', 'feminism' and 'gap years'.
-Stankov Pierce

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